Mom and Mommer

Jodi and Jennifer now know how the turtle beat the hare, they were racing in a warehouse

2010-07-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Jodi (2:14 PM): fyi
Jodi (2:15 PM): don't ever put a turtle down
Jodi (2:15 PM): in a warehouse

Jennifer (2:15 PM): um, ok

Jodi (2:16 PM): they are really quick

Jennifer (2:18 PM): it's a turtle
Jennifer (2:18 PM): they are not known for their quickness

Jodi (2:18 PM): it ran really fast under a shelf
Jodi (2:18 PM): and then another
Jodi (2:18 PM): and another

Jennifer (2:18 PM): lol

Jodi (2:18 PM): they can be fast if they are scared I guess
Jodi (2:18 PM): turtlegate
Jodi (2:18 PM): 2010

Jennifer (2:19 PM): here's a question, why did you have a turtle in the warehouse

Jodi (2:20 PM): well we didn't invite him in
Jodi (2:20 PM): he came to visit I guess

Jennifer (2:21 PM): ok, just wondering, you said to not put a turtle down in a warehouse
Jennifer (2:21 PM): so I thought that you brought him in

Jodi (2:21 PM): oh yeah
Jodi (2:21 PM): he crawled up
Jodi (2:21 PM): and we were gonna put him in the water
Jodi (2:21 PM): behind us
Jodi (2:21 PM): so he didn't run into the lot
Jodi (2:21 PM): and get squished
Jodi (2:21 PM): but I wanted to see if he was hungry for my spinach
Jodi (2:21 PM): so on the way out the back
Jodi (2:21 PM): we set him down with said spinach
Jodi (2:21 PM): and he run like a motherfucker
Jodi (2:22 PM): we weren't expecting him to be fast
Jodi (2:22 PM): so we all were like damn
Jodi (2:22 PM): go turtle
Jodi (2:22 PM): til we realized he was under shit we couldn't move easily

Jennifer (2:22 PM): so did you get him out?

Jodi (2:22 PM): yes
Jodi (2:22 PM): and we put him in the creek
Jodi (2:22 PM): or big ditch
Jodi (2:22 PM): behind us

Jennifer (2:22 PM): y'all just cut several years off his life
Jennifer (2:22 PM): that's probably where he came from and now he's thinking, "damn"

Jodi (2:22 PM): well he was headed through the building to the lot
Jodi (2:22 PM): to the busy street
Jodi (2:22 PM): I mean BUSY
Jodi (2:23 PM): might as well make a sauce piquante now

Jennifer (2:23 PM): lol
Jennifer (2:23 PM): I'm surprised no one wanted him for that very reason

Jodi (2:24 PM): I was trying to save his turtle life
Jodi (2:25 PM): I thought he would surely be squished
Jodi (2:25 PM): in our busy parking lot

Jennifer (2:29 PM): that is truly hilarious

Jodi and Jennifer on justification... and cupcakes.

2010-06-22T03:30:00.000-07:00

Jodi (9:03 AM): I can't overeat this weekend
Jodi (9:03 AM): or I don't have a chance in the contest
Jodi (9:03 AM): so I am going to try to FILL up my entire weekend with shit

Jodi (10:04 AM): the cupcakes are here {that Jodi ordered for Kevin and her dad for Father's day from Crumbs in NYC}
Jodi (10:05 AM): I hope they aren't all fucked up

Jodi (10:07 AM): they are PERFECT

Jennifer (10:08 AM): awesome

Jodi (10:17 AM): God wants me to eat a cupcake

Jennifer (10:17 AM): God doesn't have anything to do with that

Jodi (10:17 AM): yes he does
Jodi (10:17 AM): cuz when I opened the box
Jodi (10:17 AM): they had gotten part of the order wrong
Jodi (10:18 AM): and they are shipping it out again FREE Monday
Jodi (10:18 AM): so its like a whole 6 pack FREE

Jennifer (10:19 AM): that isn't God, that is the devil tempting you with pretty, tasty cupcakes

Jodi (10:19 AM): oh shut up

Jodi (10:30 AM): there is just no way I'm not gonna eat a cupcake

Jennifer (10:31 AM): you are being weak
Jennifer (10:31 AM): you are stronger than that

Jodi (10:31 AM): nah
Jodi (10:31 AM): I'm gonna eat half of one
Jodi (10:31 AM): for 300 calories

Jennifer (10:32 AM): did you get them for your dad and Kevin
Jennifer (10:32 AM): isn't that like eating their gift

Jodi (10:32 AM): but I got an extra 6 pack FREE

Jennifer (10:32 AM): but they aren't here yet
Jennifer (10:32 AM): so you can't eat them until you give one away

Jodi (10:32 AM): yes they are
Jodi (10:33 AM): I had gotten a 12 taste pack of tiny ones
Jodi (10:33 AM): and they sent the wrong ones
Jodi (10:33 AM): and those were for the kids
Jodi (10:33 AM): so I'm gonna give the kids the ones I get on TUESDAY

Jennifer (10:33 AM): well, it sucks to be the kids
Jennifer (10:33 AM): you get a cupcake but they have to wait

Jodi (10:33 AM): they won't like the ones they sent
Jodi (10:33 AM): kids don't like all that crap on them
Jodi (10:33 AM): I got them the kid ones

Jennifer (10:34 AM): uh-huh
Jennifer (10:34 AM): justification

Jodi (10:34 AM): pretty much

Jennifer (10:34 AM): I don't want you bitching when you lose {the competition}

Jodi (10:34 AM): I won't win anyways
Jodi (10:34 AM): I am not eating Bison for 30 days
Jodi (10:34 AM): fuck that shit

Jennifer (10:35 AM): NO one is eating bison for 30 days

Jodi (10:35 AM): the diet they gave us
Jodi (10:35 AM): is ridiculous
Jodi (10:35 AM): and I gotta tell you 550 calories
Jodi (10:35 AM): for one of these cupcakes
Jodi (10:35 AM): is totally fucking wroth it

Jennifer (10:36 AM): you say that now

Jodi (10:36 AM): I'm not gonna eat lunch today
Jodi (10:36 AM): just skip right through it
Jodi (10:36 AM): and for dinner I will eat a turkey pepperoni pizza
Jodi (10:36 AM): and then I will have plenty of calories for one
Jodi (10:36 AM): so far today I have only had like 239
Jodi (10:36 AM): I get 1500

Jennifer (10:37 AM): if you really think eating one is worth that
Jennifer (10:37 AM): it is your 1500 calories

Jodi (10:38 AM): if you had ever had one of these
Jodi (10:38 AM): you would totally be down with it
Jodi (10:38 AM): I wish I could mail you one of them
Jodi (10:38 AM): its the best thing I have ever tasted

Jennifer (10:38 AM): Oh, I would totally eat one
Jennifer (10:38 AM): but then I wouldn't have the guilt afterwards
Jennifer (10:38 AM): or the "I can't believe I did that what's wrong with me"
Jennifer (10:39 AM): I would just eat the box and be done with it and move on
Jennifer (10:39 AM): but you won't do that

Jodi (10:39 AM): LOL
Jodi (10:39 AM): you are so right

Jennifer (10:39 AM): and you'll moan all next week about eating it

Jodi (10:39 AM): you just said you would eat the BOX
Jodi (10:39 AM): of cupcakes
Jodi (10:39 AM): that really made me laugh out loud
Jodi (10:39 AM): I spit water

Jennifer (10:39 AM): I would

Jodi (10:39 AM): You would not eat an entire box of cupcakes

Jennifer (10:39 AM): I wouldn't tell anyone I got a free box
Jennifer (10:39 AM): and I would eat them

Jodi (10:39 AM): are you saying you would hide them and eat them in secret

Jennifer (10:39 AM): you bet your ass

Jodi (10:39 AM): did you see the pic on Facebook?

Jennifer (10:40 AM): no

Jodi (10:40 AM): that's the free box

Jennifer (10:41 AM): yep, the whole box

Jodi (10:40 AM): this why I heart you

Jennifer (10:41 AM): and no one would ever know

Jodi (10:41 AM): YOU WOULD GET SICK
Jodi (10:41 AM): THESE ARE HUGE

Jennifer (10:42 AM): probably
Jennifer (10:42 AM): I would spread it out over a couple of days

Jodi (10:42 AM): it takes 3 hours to defrost them
Jodi (10:42 AM): I have a feeling I am gonna be sucking on a frozen cupcake
Jodi (10:42 AM): at some point today

Jennifer (10:42 AM): like a popsicle

Jodi (10:42 AM): yep

Jennifer (10:42 AM): mmmmm....

Jodi (10:42 AM): they are filled too
Jodi (10:42 AM): with good stuff like peanut butter cream cheese

Jennifer (10:42 AM): I'm not crazy about the filled ones

Jodi (10:42 AM): I'm telling you
Jodi (10:42 AM): this is amazing

Jennifer (10:42 AM): like the bakery across the street has those
Jennifer (10:43 AM): too sweet

Jodi (10:43 AM): I would so go get one

Jennifer (10:43 AM): I would rather have the cake

Jodi (10:43 AM): I am normally not a cupcake or cake person
Jodi (10:43 AM): I like cookies
Jodi (10:43 AM): Kevin isn't at all
Jodi (10:43 AM): he always hates frosting
Jodi (10:43 AM): but when we had one of these in new york
Jodi (10:43 AM): he was like OMG
Jodi (10:43 AM): this is so good

Jodi (10:49 AM): Taylor is gonna bitch for a cupcake

Jennifer (10:49 AM): of course she is
Jennifer (10:49 AM): did you really think you could keep them from her
Jennifer (10:49 AM): that's why you HIDE them

Jodi (10:49 AM): I'm gonna give her the red velvet
Jodi (10:49 AM): cuz I don't like those

Jodi (11:22 AM): I am getting lipo
Jodi (11:22 AM): I'm sick of this shit

Jennifer (11:23 AM): oh lord

Jodi (11:23 AM): I can get my thighs whittled down

Jennifer (11:23 AM): you know I'm rolling my eyes

Jodi (11:23 AM): I know you are
Jodi (11:23 AM): but its my thighs I hate
Jodi (11:23 AM): and every lb I lose
Jodi (11:23 AM): comes off my neck or something
Jodi (11:23 AM): cuz it ain't coming off my thighs

Jennifer (11:24 AM): I thought they already did that

Jennifer (12:26 PM): I'm back {from lunch}
Jennifer (12:26 PM): did you eat a cupcake yet?

Jodi (12:27 PM): THEY ARE FROZEN
Jodi (12:27 PM): remember

Jennifer (12:29 PM): ah

Jodi (12:29 PM): yeah
Jodi (12:29 PM): but I could like lick one
Jodi (12:29 PM): and my tongue might melt the icing

Jennifer (12:29 PM): that's true
Jennifer (12:29 PM): or you could put in the microwave for like 15 seconds

Jodi (12:30 PM): you're not supposed too
Jodi (12:30 PM): it might ruin it

Jennifer (12:32 PM): well that sucks
Jennifer (12:32 PM): why don't you send me one with a runner. it will be thawed when they get here

Jodi (12:32 PM): LOL
Jodi (12:36 PM): Dear lord sweet baby Jesus
Jodi (12:36 PM): let me get through this weekend
Jodi (12:36 PM): without gaining weight

Jennifer (12:39 PM): lol
Jennifer (12:40 PM): then I think you better be praying to the sweet Lord baby Jesus for the willpower to not eat those cupcakes
Jennifer (12:40 PM): like start giving them away right now

Jodi (4:17 PM): you there
Jodi (4:17 PM): I already defrosted us all 3 a cupcake
Jodi (4:17 PM): I can't do it

Jennifer (4:18 PM): I knew it

Jodi (4:18 PM): Taylor and I haven't eaten one
Jodi (4:18 PM): YET
Jodi (4:18 PM): but here is my plan

Jennifer (4:18 PM): maybe you can share one with her
Jennifer (4:18 PM): because you know she can't finish it

Jodi (4:18 PM): I'm going to get on the elliptical
Jodi (4:18 PM): for like 2 hours
Jodi (4:18 PM): and then eat it
Jodi (4:19 PM): like I'm gonna elliptical my freakin' brains out

Jennifer (4:19 PM): just put on the body bugg and work until you burn the 500 calories
Jennifer (4:19 PM): what's that, like 30 minutes

Jodi (4:19 PM): um
Jodi (4:19 PM): surely you jest
Jodi (4:19 PM): more like 45

Jennifer (4:19 PM): I don't know
Jennifer (4:19 PM): I don't have a clue about that shit

Jodi (4:19 PM): but that's not gonna be enough for me
Jodi (4:19 PM): I have to do like 2 hours
Jodi (4:19 PM): cuz I ate 3 chicken fries
Jodi (4:19 PM): I was freakin' starving
Jodi (4:19 PM): I didn't eat lunch

Jennifer (4:20 PM): see, i knew that was going to happen

Jodi (4:20 PM): yep

Jennifer (4:20 PM): you should have eaten like half a sandwich or something

Jodi (4:20 PM): you are right
Jodi (4:20 PM): you are also right
Jodi (4:21 PM): that I can't just eat a cupcake
Jodi (4:21 PM): and feel not bad about it
Jodi (4:21 PM): I think I have an eating disorder now
Jodi (4:21 PM): like officially

Jennifer (4:23 PM): I don't know about that
Jennifer (4:23 PM): I just know you
Jennifer (4:23 PM): if you are going to do it, then own it
Jennifer (4:23 PM): but if you are going to feel all shitty about it then don't do it

Jodi (4:23 PM): I haven't decided yet
Jodi (4:23 PM): well that's a lie
Jodi (4:23 PM): I'm totally gonna eat a cupcake

And she totally did. And she totally bitched and moaned about it all Monday morning.

Jodi and Jennifer promise that they don't need anger management

2010-06-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

Jennifer: it is so good we have each other

Jodi: yeah or we would probably both be on drugs now

Jennifer: probably
Jennifer: or have hurt someone seriously

Jodi: oh yeah
Jodi: Kevin would be a dead man

Jennifer: David thought I was going to run over people at the grocery store the other day
Jennifer: they weren't even doing anything to me
Jennifer: I don't know what his problem was

Jodi: well were you driving fast?

Jennifer: hell no
Jennifer: I was just checking my phone
Jennifer: it wasn't like it was a big deal or something
Jennifer: I saw the people standing there

Jodi: Kevin flips out if I put on lip gloss

Jennifer: like they would have had to step out in front of me for me to hit them
Jennifer: and if they are stupid enough to do that
Jennifer:: then I totally don't have a problem with ramming their ass

Jodi and Jennifer on bison

2010-06-16T17:09:00.000-07:00

Jodi signed up for a a competition at her gym, and they provided her with a new diet plan.

Oops, we made a cut and paste mistake.

Jennifer: Aren't you glad that all of your friends know where you can buy bison.

Jodi: it wasn't really a question
Jodi: it was being funny
Jodi: it was a rhetorical question

Jennifer: I know
Jennifer: and not one of them commented on our emu conversation
Jennifer: I think they think we're nuts

Jodi: I don't fuckin' care
Jodi: I can go on and on on facebook
Jodi: and I don't care who likes it

Jennifer: I know
Jennifer: I think we are totally fucking hilarious

Jodi: we are

There are only two people in our lives that get us. Each other and our husbands. The good thing is that we're ok with that.

ETA: Linking up with Mama Kat.

Jodi and Jennifer, we don't claim to always be at the top of our game

2010-06-15T03:30:00.000-07:00

Jodi: you know [that exercise] when you squat
Jodi: and then stand up?

Jennifer: squats?

Jodi: YES
Jodi: oh god that was dumb
Jodi: even for me

Jennifer: that was funny

Jodi: it was funny
Jodi: how could I not remember what a squat was called?

Jodi and Jennifer have an opinion... go figure

2010-06-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

Jodi: good morning sunshine

Jennifer: mornin'
Jennifer: go read this and let's discuss

Jodi: I am speechless
Jodi: where is the part about giving him a fantastic blow job everyday after work
Jodi: I think that's really the only thing missing
Jodi: If I asked Kevin what his vision was
Jodi: he would say 20/20
Jodi: and then look at me like i was nuts
Jodi: like seriously
Jodi: what brand of crack are these women on?

Jennifer: I don't know

Jodi: do they sell STUPIDWOMAN crack at Walgreens now?
Jodi: is it like a brand?

Jennifer: silly me, I thought marriage was all about partnership
Jennifer: I've been wrong for almost 20 years

Jodi: yeah and give and take
Jodi: not you just GIVE GIVE GIVE
Jodi: and they just TAKE TAKE TAKE
Jodi: if you ask me that's a recipe for divorce
Jodi: and I am SORRY but a penis does not equal respect
Jodi: you have to EARN respect
Jodi: and it has to be mutual
Jodi: Kevin respects that I work really hard and he doesn't expect me to do these things
Jodi: and nor would he want me too
Jodi: he wouldn't wanna be married to a droid that just says yes dear
Jodi: where is the fun in that?
Jodi: This actually has me angry
Jodi: I hope NO WOMAN believes this shit
Jodi: that works and is her own person

Jennifer: I know
Jennifer: I read it and just sat stunned

Jodi: seriously I felt like I had been shot

Jennifer: I know
Jennifer: women have worked so hard to move ahead and women like that just hurt all of us

Jodi: I would hate for my daughter to do any of these things for her husband unless she just wanted too
Jodi: I sometimes do cook and serve Kevin
Jodi: because I WANT TOO
Jodi: not because he demands or expects it

Jennifer: right
Jennifer: I try so hard not to judge someone else's life, but I bet she wouldn't have one ounce of trouble judging mine

Jodi: nope she would think we were awful

Jennifer: I mean I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get David the birthday cake he wants next week
Jennifer: but not in servitude
Jennifer: but because I love him

Jodi: exactly
Jodi: here is my biggest issue with these types of women
Jodi: they are one heart attack away from having nothing
Jodi: they can't support themselves

Jennifer: exactly

Jodi: they can't live on their own
Jodi: I will NOT have my daughter unable to care for herself
Jodi: my mom was raised to not be self sufficient
Jodi: and she was determined we would be

Jennifer: I know
Jennifer: my mom taught me to be able to take care of myself
Jennifer: and my husband
Jennifer: and should something ever happen to him then I've got it under control

Jodi: I want Miss Priss to know her future is of her making
Jodi: and she can do what any man can do
Jodi: and she doesn't need a man to have the things she wants in life

Jennifer: right
Jennifer: me too

Jodi: its nice to have a partner
Jodi: but its not necessary
Jodi: I love Kevin and I want him
Jodi: but I don't NEED Him financially
Jodi: and frankly, I wouldn't want to be with someone for the money
Jodi: because Jennifer MONEY can't make a marriage work

Jennifer: right, I don't love David because I need him, I need him because I love him

Jodi: it doesn't work
Jodi: money leaves
Jodi: looks leave
Jodi: kids grow up
Jodi: and then all you have is each other
Jodi: you have to have more of a foundation then CASH

Jennifer: my whole thought, is who is going to make her happy
Jennifer: who is going to put her first
Jennifer: what about her needs
Jennifer: maybe she doesn't have any

Jodi: she thinks by working and providing he is doing that
Jodi: but you know
Jodi: Bert has a saying
Jodi: "mad day is coming"
Jodi: one day that woman
Jodi: is gonna blow

Jennifer: i like that

Jodi: Look at the Real Housewives of CA

Jennifer: you did not just say that

Jodi: the only marriage that survived the economy
Jodi: THE ONLY ONE
Jodi: was where both worked and she has her own life and career
Jodi: all the ones where the husband provided
Jodi: the minute he couldn't
Jodi: bitch was GONE
Jodi: that's not real love

Jennifer: I have no problem with a woman being a stay at home mom and taking joy in that
Jennifer: but being a servant is not what I signed up for

Jodi: If she CHOOSES to stay home

Jennifer: right
Jennifer: HER choice

Jodi: I have friends that were married for 10 years
Jodi: and saved money
Jodi: and THEN they had kids and quit
Jodi: and that was their goal

Jennifer: right
Jennifer: I think that is fantastic

Jodi: but if we hit the lotto
Jodi: I wouldn't do the things that woman said

Jennifer: no way

Jodi: Kevin is PROUD OF ME
Jodi: he is PROUD of how hard I work
Jodi: he isn't ashamed that I don't stay in the kitchen
Jodi: and rub his feet when he gets home
Jodi: I couldn't be married to a person like that
Jodi: I wouldn't be
Jodi: I think women are really set back by people like this

Jennifer: I agree
Jennifer: I read an article about this the other day
Jennifer: about Sarah Palin and how she is hurting the women's movement in a subversive way

Jodi: I hate Sarah Palin
Jodi: I would never vote for her

Jennifer: well I can tell you right now, that chick loves her

Jodi: I don't think she is smart at all
Jodi: I am a republican when it comes to my taxes
Jodi: But I don't agree with people blindly
Jodi: because they stamp the republican name on themselves
Jodi: it offends me when people don't even look at the issues and just vote based on party
Jodi: I don't think she is hurting the woman's movement
Jodi: I just don't like her personally and I can't shake it

And then we got busy with our fulfilling jobs outside of the home...

As stated in the title, these are our opinions, which we are entitled too.

And just FYI, we are both Christians. Jodi was raised in the Catholic church and attended Catholic school her entire life. Jennifer is a somewhat Baptist with a full faith background.

Jodi and Jennifer on Kevin and David

2010-06-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

Jennifer: If your spouse agreed to do ten things you asked what would they be?

Jodi: omg
Jodi: sheesh
Jodi: 1. lose weight and get healthy with me
Jodi: 2. stop collecting newspapers and other crap
Jodi: 3. Put your own dirty clothes in the hamper
Jodi: 4. Do the lawn without me bitching
Jodi: 5. Quit asking for sex first thing in the morning when you know i am on a schedule
Jodi: 6. Help me keep the house clean without me having to ask
Jodi: 7. when you are going to go to the store CALL ME and say "Honey do we need anything? "
Jodi: 8. Carry your cell phone at all times
Jodi: 9. Don't assume I just wanna sit home with the kids all weekend ask me what my plans are
Jodi: 10. Let me go places like to the Lake with the Williams without me having to resort to begging or getting the kids to beg

Jennifer: Did the fishing pole trick work?

Jodi: we didn't try yet
Jodi: but we will tonight

Jennifer: Let me see if I can come up with 10
Jennifer: 1. Throw your empty splenda packets in the garbage immediately.
Jennifer: 2. Don't discount my feelings just because it isn't something you care about. Even if it is something silly, like blogging.
Jennifer: 3. Pay more attention to the kids and less to the TV so I'm not the one constantly having to correct them.
Jennifer: 4. Fix the caulk in our bathroom.
Jennifer: 5. Quit complaining about the space limitations in the attic, garage and shed when 75% of the stuff being stored is yours.
Jennifer: 6. Put me first, or at least second (after the kids), just like I do you.
Jennifer: 7. Make sure the toilet flushed.
Jennifer: 8. Quit gagging when you brush your teeth.
Jennifer: 9. Put your socks (at least in the vicinity) of the laundry basket and not wherever you took them off.
Jennifer: 10. Always be the kind of dad you are right now.

Jodi: yeah I should have put one nice thing

Jennifer: i was having trouble thinking of another bad one off the top of my head
Jennifer: but after i typed it I did
Jennifer: 10. Quit asking for expensive birthday gifts that we can't afford because it makes me feel bad when I can't get it.
Jennifer: We could do the opposite and try to come up with 10 nice things. That would be harder.
Jennifer: 1. Always be the kind of dad you are right now.
Jennifer: 2. Always make me laugh.
Jennifer: 3. Continue to take care of the house without me having to worry about anything major.
Jennifer: 4. Keep changing my oil and rotating my tires so I don't have to think about it.
Jennifer: 5. Always kiss me good bye in the morning no matter how busy or crazy I am.
Jennifer: 6. Continue to help me out around the house.
Jennifer: 7. Keep sharing parenting duties like bath time and bed time.
Jennifer: 8. Pray for me and the kids every day.
Jennifer: See, now I'm having trouble with 9 and 10.
Jennifer: 9. Keep cooking.
Jennifer: 10. Always keep me centered so that I don't spin out of control.

Jodi: I can come up with 10 nice things

Jennifer: sure you can
Jennifer: go for it
Jennifer: (not meant sarcastically)

Jodi: 1. Always stare at me and tell me I am beautiful even if I whine about it
Jodi: 2. Always clean up the kitchen after dinner
Jodi: 3. always kiss me before bed and in the mornings
Jodi: 4. Always play with the kids every night and laugh with them
Jodi: 5. Always go to a job you have learned to hate just because it provides for your family
Jodi: 6. Always forgive me time and time again when I screw up
Jodi: 7. always trust me with the money and never question me because you have absolute faith in me
Jodi: 8. always brag about me to people and say that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind too
Jodi: 9. Always have your kids love you the best because you spend so much quality time with them
Jodi: 10. Always tell me you never knew what love was before me and the kids

Jennifer: see, we can come up with good stuff

Jodi: yeah if press

I think it is clear that we totally rock.

This post was inspired by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.

Jodi and Jennifer on cookies

2010-06-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

Jodi: Miss Priss is here [at work]
Jodi: eating yummy things

Jennifer: well my mom was there [at her office] making cookies for the dr's offices
Jennifer: I walked in and it smelled like Otis Spunkmeyer's kitchen

Jodi: was she baking?
Jodi: OMG
Jodi: yummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Jennifer: yes
Jennifer: I didn't know whether to be sick or binge

Jodi: I would have had to have one

Jennifer: can you believe that I didn't
Jennifer: for real

Jodi: go you!

Jennifer: meh, no chocolate chip so it wasn't worth it
Jennifer: besides, I wouldn't have been able to stop at one

Jodi: what were they?

Jennifer: oatmeal raisin and white chocolate strawberry, I think.

Jodi: Oh yuck

Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: so it was pretty easy to pass up
Jennifer: if it had been chocolate or peanut butter I would have been cramming them in my cheeks like a squirrel storing up for the winter

Jodi and Jennifer on being a thoughtful mother

2010-06-01T03:30:00.000-07:00

Jodi: ARGH this day has to end

Jennifer: not for me it doesn't

Jodi: oh yeah cuz you have to go to rehearsal hell [for Baby Girl's dance recital]

Jennifer: yep

Jodi: bring snacks for her

Jennifer: I ate them
Jennifer: I got bored

Jodi: no I mean for tonight

Jennifer: I know
Jennifer: I brought them inside so they wouldn't get hot
Jennifer: and I ate them
Jennifer: it was just a baggie of cheese crackers
Jennifer: but I totally ate them

Jodi and Jennifer on cake

2010-05-27T04:35:00.000-07:00

Jennifer: I just saw a guy park in our lot and walk across the construction zone to go to the bakery

Jodi: He needed cake. I get that.

Jennifer: Yeah me too
Jennifer: I was actually standing here thinking about doing the same thing
Jennifer: This is a damn good bakery

Sometimes you just need cake.

Jodi and Jennifer on body parts

2010-05-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

Jodi: this morning
Jodi: Little Man jumped on Miss Priss
Jodi: and she said
Jodi: OH my nuts

Jennifer: lol

Jodi: yeah
Jodi: we need to have a talk

Jennifer: Baby Girl thinks she has a wee wee
Jennifer: I told her that only boys have those
Jennifer: and she said, "no momma, i have one, it just doesn't hang down like Bud's"
Jennifer: whatever.
Jennifer: if my kid wants balls I'm all for it

Jodi: lol
Jodi: well I don't want Miss Priss talking about her nuts at school

Later that same day...

Jodi and Jennifer both have dance recitals for their daughters to prepare for this coming weekend. For Jennifer the dress rehearsal is Thursday and the recital is Friday. David has to work. Guess who is getting to plan how everything will be done...

Jennifer: this whole recital thing is a mess
Jennifer: I know something is going to get screwed up

Jodi: nah
Jodi: it's gonna be fine
Jodi: she will do great
Jodi: you will handle it all
Jodi: remember you have the power of the mystical vagina on your side
Jodi: You can do it all
Jodi: cook, clean, pick up, drop off, dress up
Jodi: etc
Jodi: oh and work

Jennifer (9:57 AM): mystical vagina?

Jodi: YES
Jodi: because you have one
Jodi: you can automatically do it all

Jennifer: and that makes it mystical

Jodi: men know this
Jodi: and that makes them do less
Jodi: because hey why bother

Jennifer: I can't do it all
Jennifer: my mother's mystical vagina is doing it

Jodi: well see two mystical vagina's is better then one

What we can't figure out is if the girl's knew about the mystical vagina they would no longer want boy parts, or if maybe they are actually on to something...

Jodi and Jennifer on sleeping at work

2010-05-20T11:23:00.000-07:00

Jennifer: i wish you could take a nap at work
Jennifer: like after lunch
Jennifer: that would totally rock
Jennifer: like everyone lays their head down for thirty minutes

Jodi: hey we could build little beds under desks
Jodi: like George did on Seinfeld

Jennifer: right
Jennifer: but just a power nap
Jennifer: something to keep you focused

Jodi: this guy i trained at work

Jodi: it was so boring
Jodi: I would fall asleep
Jodi: like he didn't know what to do
Jodi: so he just sat there
Jodi: while I slept

Jennifer: lol
Jennifer: you did not

Jodi: it was hilarious
Jodi: oh yes

Jennifer: you just were talking to him and fell asleep

Jodi: i had to listen to him make phone calls
Jodi: and it was so boring

Jennifer: like, "fuck this, I'm taking a nap"

Jodi: pretty much
Jodi: and he knew I was sleeping

Jennifer: you're crazy

Jodi: but i was his boss
Jodi: so he just let me
Jodi: then like I would wake up and pretend i wasn't sleeping
Jodi: but I totally was

Jodi and Jennifer on Acting Up At School

2010-02-24T17:34:00.000-08:00

We were previously discussing the fact that Baby Girl got on red at school the day before and when she got home Jennifer and David had to punish her because it has been a recurring problem. Jennifer's work computer is temperamental and decided to crash; therefore, the entire thread is not here.

Jodi: I was saying its strange
Jodi: that the kids in her school don't all pretty much like each other

Jennifer: they DO

Jodi: well then whats the problem
Jodi: it just sounds like they are mean to her

Jennifer: they aren't though
Jennifer: she just thinks that if they are bad then she has to be bad too
Jennifer: or they WON'T like her
Jennifer: she just thinks if they are acting up then she needs to act up
Jennifer: like she wants to fit in
Jennifer: Annie told me the kids have had to be inside a lot and they are getting kind of stir crazy Jennifer: but that doesn't matter, she still has to behave

Jodi: yeah
Jodi: she is gonna have it easier in Kindergarten
Jodi: its more structured
Jodi: and they have DIRECT consequences
Jodi: more than just a red light
Jodi: they don't get treasure box and or recess
Jodi: so it will hit HER where it hurts more
Jodi: that's how its been for Princess
Jodi: she is way better in Kindergarten
Jodi: then she was in prek
Jodi: cuz she wants her damn treasure box

Jennifer: I hope so
Jennifer: I'm worried about it being harder on her because it is so much more structured
Jennifer: but regardless, she is going to have to face peer pressure the rest of her life
Jennifer: and she needs to learn now that going along to get along doesn't get you very far

Jodi: well to be honest
Jodi: Princess hasn't experienced it yet
Jodi: she has one time
Jodi: she laughed at a boy in her class
Jodi: and got in trouble
Jodi: and tried to blame him
Jodi: for MAKING her laugh
Jodi: but when SHE got in trouble
Jodi: she was like WTF
Jodi: okay I can't allow HIM to get me in trouble
Jodi: so now she sort of gets it
Jodi: I just think Baby Girl's class needs to be separated
Jodi: she needs NEW BLOOD
Jodi: lol
Jodi: ya know?

Jennifer: lol
Jennifer: I don't know
Jennifer: I was never one of those kids that was desperate for other people to like me, and neither was David
Jennifer: so it is harder for me to understand

Jodi: neither is Princess I guess

Jennifer: then you're lucky

Jodi: but I am just shocked its SO young
Jodi: My niece is like that
Jodi: but she does it in other ways
Jodi: she Lets them abuse her
Jodi: like if a kid kicks her
Jodi: she doesn't tell
Jodi: Princess would be singing like a canary

Jennifer: Baby Girl doesn't do that
Jennifer: yeah, Baby Girl too

Jodi: I honestly think most of the kids play together

Jennifer: but she will go along with the other kids so that she can be part of the crowd

Jodi: Princess only has ever told me ONE kid is mean
Jodi: but he isn't in her class
Jodi: HE IS JUST mean on the playground
Jodi: I do think Baby Girl will do great in Kindergarten
Jodi: she will be like Princess
Jodi: it will take her a good month
Jodi: to get used to the NEW rules
Jodi: and then she will be okay
Jodi: you watch!
Jodi: I was right about bedtime
Jodi: I am right about this
Jodi: Baby Girl is smart and very bored at her current school
Jodi: I'm telling you that's a big part of this
Jodi: she needs more learning
Jodi: and that will come when she starts real school

Jennifer: I hadn't thought about that
Jennifer: but she has been in pre- k for a LONG time

Jodi: yep

Jennifer: like way over a year

Jodi: she knows it all
Jodi: she is sick of that shit

Jennifer: so that probably has something to do with it
Jennifer: yeah, i guess she needs more mental stimulation
Jennifer: I WAS like that in school

Jodi: I mean I know WE would
Jodi: we would just make trouble
Jodi: if we were bored

Jennifer: I worked faster than the other kids and got bored easy
Jennifer: luckily I was in school when they could place you based on how smart you were
Jennifer: so I was in the class with all the other smart kids

Jodi: luckily I was in school when they could beat your ass and you knew it

Jennifer: that too
Jennifer: but I don't want to give her an excuse to be bad, like "I know you are bored..."
Jennifer: no need to justify bad behaviour
Jennifer: mom said I should look for a book or a movie talks about a kid going along with the crowd and then shows the consequences of those actions
Jennifer: like something she can relate too

Jodi: YALL DO REALIZE SHE IS 5 RIGHT
Jodi: I mean what are you gonna let her watch
Jodi: some teenage movie
Jodi: LOL
Jodi: see if the smurfs have an episode
Jodi: where smurffete wants to look like vanity
Jodi: I mean COME ON People
Jodi: I think you are way way way over thinking this

Jennifer: I know
Jennifer: I need something age appropriate
Jennifer: mom suggested Pinocchio

Jodi: Baby Girl is a great kid
Jodi: she is gonna be fine
Jodi: just give her a small break
Jodi: I am so coming to get my baby
Jodi: if you start making her say no to drugs
Jodi: at 6

Jennifer: I don't like breaks
Jennifer: I want her to be good ALL the time

Jodi: LOLOLOLOL
Jodi: omg
Jodi: can you hear me laughing
Jodi: NO KID Is good all the dang time

Jennifer: I was
Jennifer: I was a damn good kid
Jennifer: I hardly ever got in trouble

Jodi: um Jennifer
Jodi: your mom had Jason
Jodi: so you had no choice really
Jodi: plus it was how you were
Jodi: my sister was good
Jodi: I was the bad one
Jodi: and I wasn't really that bad
Jodi: I was just smart and I knew they couldn't kill me

Jennifer: well, I pretty much figured they could
Jennifer: I just see this as a trait that can lead a kid down so many bad roads if it isn't over come at an early age
Jennifer: I mean not always, hell she could get in with the geeky, smart crowd and want to study all the time
Jennifer: but I don't see Baby Girl as being that kind of kid
Jennifer: she's the kind that is going to want to be popular
Jennifer: and I don't want her to WANT to be popular
Jennifer: because I know that isn't really important

Jodi: I TELL Ya
Jodi: I really think the best way
Jodi: to make your kid be independent
Jodi: is to love them and make them sure that you think they are fine just how they are
Jodi: cuz I was one of those kids
Jodi: that could have caved to pressure
Jodi: cuz I did want to be liked
Jodi: and I was overweight etc
Jodi: but my mom was Very good about telling me
Jodi: how great I was
Jodi: and that it didn't matter what the kids thought or said
Jodi: and I do think that helps a lot

Jennifer: well that's what I tell her
Jennifer: that we love her the way she is and that everyone else will too
Jennifer: last night I told her it was better to have one really great friend that loves you for who you are, than a whole bunch of friends that kinda like you for something you aren't
Jennifer: and I know she may not understand that
Jennifer: but I still feel it is important to say it

Jodi: yeah
Jodi: Jennifer you are a great mom
Jodi: Baby Girl will be fine
Jodi: she is not gonna be one of THOSE kids
Jodi: I promise

Jennifer: thanks
Jennifer: I needed that
Jennifer: it is just so hard to be a parent sometimes

Jodi: YES IT IS

A good friend knows just what you need. Whether it is a kick in the ass or a pat on the back.

Jodi had surgery yesterday and will be in the hospital for the next few days. Please say a prayer for her. She has healing issues sometimes and Jennifer ~~wants~~ needs her back as quick as possible.

Jodi and Jennifer on being a sore loser

2010-02-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

Jodi: have you heard about this crazy Russian skater
Jodi: who has such sour grapes that he lost
Jodi: he created a new medal for himself
Jodi: and gave it to himself on his website
Jodi: and its platinum

Jennifer: that's kinda sick

Jodi: yeah
Jodi: its creepy
Jodi: and when they ask the American he said
Jodi: "I guess I was a little disappointed that someone that was my role model would take a hit at me in one of the most special moments of my life," Lysacek said. "But it's tough to lose. It's not easy."
Jodi: the Russian guy just can't let it go

Jennifer: I did read a review that said the Russian guy really should have one

Jodi: yeah but its subjective

Jennifer: right
Jennifer: this article was talking about how the judging is based on the wrong things
Jennifer: apparently a lot of people thought he should have won
Jennifer: like technically his routine was a lot harder
Jennifer: than any of the other performers

Jodi: every year there is someone who someone else thought should have won
Jodi: and the guy has like 3 other medals
Jodi: its not like he didn't get anything
Jodi: I wouldn't care what the countries were
Jodi: if you lose shut up

Jennifer: lol

Jodi: seriously
Jodi: its stupid
Jodi: you can't change it
Jodi: even if you are right

Jennifer: yeah, campaign to have the judging changed

Jodi: and it just makes you look like a horses ass

Jennifer: awarding yourself a medal makes you look like a horses ass
Jennifer: that's just dumb

Jodi: I know!
Jodi: exactly

Jennifer: I think I'm the best office manager in the world, I'm going to create myself a medal
Jennifer: what about you
Jennifer: best bolt house owner

Jodi: LOLOLOLOL
Jodi: or better yet
Jodi: I think I am the best bolt salesman
Jodi: I'm gonna write myself a big ass phony paycheck
Jodi: for like 1 million dollars
Jodi: to the bank of who gives a shit

Jennifer: lol
Jennifer: even better
Jennifer: just don't try to cash that bitch or they'll carry you out in handcuffs
Jennifer: or a straight jacket

Jodi: no shit

Jodi and Jennifer on Mardi Gras

2010-02-11T09:29:00.000-08:00

Jodi: whatcha doing this weekend?

Jennifer: Mardi Gras party at my house tomorrow night
Jennifer: I mean Sat night
Jennifer: David has to work Fri night, Saturday morning and Sunday

Jodi: yeah I saw that don't make people show their tits for beads

Jennifer: don't worry, I won't
Jennifer: I don't want to see anyone's tits

Jodi: yeah I figured

Jodi and Jennifer on Valentines Day

2010-02-11T05:56:00.000-08:00

Jennifer: this week's writers workshop
Jennifer: a list of do's and don'ts
Jodi : what kinda dos and don't
Jodi : i got it!
Jodi: for Valentines day
Jodi: Like
Jennifer: no. 1, don't forget
Jodi: DO NOT listen to Wal- mart Husbands
Jodi: DO not buy your wife crap from there
Jodi: if you have no money or if money is tight
Jodi: a card is a wonderful cheap thing
Jodi: and women like them
Jodi: WE don't want some stinky ass walmart imitation crap perfume
Jodi: or GOD forbid some crotchless walmart style panties
Jodi: that will give us a rash
Jodi: everywhere but the crotch
Jodi: (cuz its missing)
Jennifer: do not take your three year old daughter with you to buy "fancy" earrings because she will want to wear them and ruin the surprise by running in the house bawling and begging to wear them to her mother
Jodi: Do not wait til the day after valentines day
Jodi: cuz its CHEAPER
Jodi: to buy huge boxes of candy
Jodi: that YOU will eat anyways
Jennifer: do not buy something that you want
Jennifer: like a fishing pole
Jodi: or a SURROUND SOUND system
Jennifer: for sure
Jodi: (also on the list for NOT things your wife wants to get for Christmas)
Jodi: you could try Cleaning the kitchen without us bitching
Jodi: or actually letting us sleep in on valentine's day
Jennifer: oh yeah, DO clean without us asking
Jennifer: DO give a good back massage without complaining or expecting anything in return
Jennifer: although that means you will most likely get it
Jodi: yeah like a Valentine's BJ
Jodi: thats not a gift FOR US
Jodi: btw
Jennifer: right
Jennifer: so that could be a total DO for the wife
Jodi: Yes I agree
Jodi: Wives do give your husband a Valentines BJ
Jodi: and do it right
Jodi: don't just do it for 20 seconds
Jodi: and then talk him into sex cuz its easier
Jodi: (and we ALL do that)
Jennifer: wait, is that a don't?
Jodi: well
Jodi: it depends on if we are talking to wives or husbands
Jennifer: oh, ok
Jennifer: never mind
Jennifer: DO buy fancy earrings... if you have the money
Jodi: yeah if you don't
Jodi: don't buy earrings
Jennifer: oh yeah
Jodi: cuz we don't like cheap crap
Jodi: again
Jennifer: DON'T spend money you don't have
Jodi: that will turn our ears green
Jennifer: period
Jodi: YES please don't buy something pricey
Jodi: and then hand us the bill
Jodi: to worry about
Jennifer: right
Jodi : NO one likes that
Jennifer: that sucks
Jennifer: and is not a good present
Jodi: I really prefer gifts from the heart
Jodi: like cleaning
Jennifer: DO cook us dinner
Jodi: or cooking dinner
Jennifer: even if it is just chili
Jodi: cleaning is from the heart
Jennifer (3:11 PM): right
Jodi: its like I LOVE You
Jodi: with a mop
Jennifer: cleaning is from the gods
Jodi: the quickest way to a woman's heart
Jennifer: right
Jodi: is to pick up a broom
Jodi: trust us on this
Jennifer: you may even get lucky on the clean kitchen floor
Jodi: exactly
Jennifer: if we catch you with the mop in your hand
Jodi: or if you see a lego on the floor
Jodi: pick it up
Jennifer: right
Jodi: and put it away
Jodi: don't step over it
Jodi: or step on it and complain
Jennifer: DO put your dirty socks and underwear in the laundry basket
Jodi: cuz you hurt your foot
Jodi: OH yes
Jodi: and if there is a streak in your underwear
Jodi: put it in the basket
Jennifer: DON'T ask us where your underwear and socks are
Jodi: so we CAN'T SEE IT
Jodi: not streak side UP
Jodi: for the world to view it
Jennifer: because if you didn't put them in the basket they are probably where you left them
Jennifer: yeah, because I'm not putting spray n wash on it no matter how bad it needs it
Jodi: exactly!
Jodi: in fact if you are so concerned about your drawers
Jodi: spray it yourself
Jennifer: right
Jennifer: or better yet, do a better job wiping your ass
Jodi: yep!
Jodi: the best gift
Jodi: for Valentines day
Jodi: wiping your own ass
Jodi: WELL
Jennifer: right
Jennifer: we already have to clean up shit after the kids
Jennifer: we really don't need to do it after you too
Jodi: yep
Jodi: a nice love note that doesn't contain anything vulgar would be nice
Jodi: or like watch a movie with us like The Notebook
Jennifer: Don't buy your mother a better present or fancier card than you buy us
Jodi: without rolling your eyes
Jodi: oh God thats a good one
Jodi: one year i got tulips
Jodi: and his mother got roses
Jodi: that did NOT go over well
Jennifer : Make sure you contact the florist and schedule the delivery for BEFORE valentines day
Jennifer: so that we get our flowers before everyone else in the office
Jodi: and NO WHEAT
Jennifer: we like to be first
Jodi: wheat is NOT a flower
Jodi: ITS WHEAT
Jennifer: what
Jennifer: wheat?
Jodi: if you don't want a stalk of corn for your birthday
Jodi : don't put WHEAT in our flowers
Jodi: Kevin I swear did that
Jennifer: what the hell are you talking about
Jodi: it was orange dried wheat
Jennifer: lol
Jennifer: yeah, DO get a simple bouquet of roses
Jennifer: in her favorite color, but only if you are sure you know what that is
Jennifer: Don't send her orange roses unless you see her wear orange every single freakin' day
Jennifer: if you don't know, send RED
Jennifer: DON'T buy anything that will require her to clean, like a vacuum
Jodi: exactly
Jodi: or cook
Jodi: like some damn pot
Jennifer: right
Jennifer: we hate those
Jennifer: DO tell her you love her
Jennifer: DO tell her she is beautiful
Jennifer: DO tell her that you are happy that you are together
Jennifer: DO let her sleep late while you take care of the kids
Jodi: yeah
Jodi: i mean those things are free
Jodi Kris (3:27 PM): and mean so much to us
Jennifer: right
Jennifer: and AWESOME
Jodi: tell her you APPRECIATE her

There you go guys. Simple, easy to follow instructions from two women that know what we're talking about. Now if you screw up it is all on you.

Jodi and Jennifer on Learning

2010-02-04T08:41:00.000-08:00

Today we decided to answer one of the prompts listed in Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.

List 10 Things You Never Knew Until You Were a Mom

1. Husbands are allergic to poo. This allergy somehow prevents them form actually being able to smell it regardless of toxicity.

2. Kids only puke on Moms. The Dad can be holding the kid and he/she will projectile vomit across the room to get it on the mother.

3. Wipes are only in reach when pee is involved. Poopy diaper = empty wipes container. The nastier the diaper the farther away the wipes.

4. Your mother thinks you are an idiot.

5. Your children agree with your mother.

6. You will never pee alone again. Just forget about it. Locking the door does not help. The kids just stand outside and bang on the door, stick their fingers under the crack at the bottom, try to have a conversation with you through the door, and/or grab a coat hanger to pick the lock.

7. You are now a short order cook. This also makes you realize that chicken nuggets, mac and cheese and a fruit pop is a perfectly balanced meal. Even if the "fruit pop" is just a grape popsicle.

8. Laundry is actually not inanimate. We don't have like video evidence or anything, but we are positive that it has learned to reproduce on its own.

9. Children have the same hearing problems husbands do. No matter how many times you say something they can not hear you. Evidenced by the other night when Jodi told Princess to put her shoes by her book bag and she came back in the room to say that Little Man was going to pee on the floor because she UNDRESSED him. Yeah. And no, she has never, ever been asked to undress her little brother.

10. All that advice your Mom gave you growing up was totally on the money and you will find yourself repeating it multiple times a day. "Don't run with that in your mouth." "Get your finger out of your nose before it freezes like that." "Leave your brother alone before he falls on his head."

Be sure to visit Mama Kat for all of the writing prompts this week.

So, how is your day going?

2010-01-21T09:40:00.001-08:00

We know we said we would post more, but right now we are swimming in shit. The proverbial and the literal.

Jennifer is busy finishing her company's year end and getting called a mother fucker on the phone by their classy employees.

Jodi is busy cleaning up vomit and poop from Pukefest 2010. That's what she gets for trying to send her toddler to an hour of fun and engaging activities at Gymboree class.

We'll try to be back next week. I'm sure we'll be eating unicorns and shitting rainbows... or however that saying goes.

Jodi and Jennifer on Sexting

2010-01-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

Jodi: Kevin is trying to sext me
Jodi: it ain't happening
Jennifer: if i got a txt like that I would laugh
Jennifer: I would not be turned on at all
Jodi: he was picking
Jodi: but it was funny
Jodi: it was like what are you wearing
Jodi: same thing I was when I left the house dumbass
Jennifer: neither one of our husbands is smart enough or cool enough to pull that off
Jodi: NOPE
Jodi: it just is funny not sexy
Jennifer: right
Jennifer: David will txt me, so, what are you doing later hot stuff
Jennifer: and i txt back, loading the dishwasher and doing laundry
Jodi: yep exactly
Jodi: I will text him stuff like
Jodi: you know whats a huge turn on
Jodi: you.....
Jodi: in your shorts
Jodi: MOWING THE LAWN
Jennifer: lol
Jennifer: yeah, one day I walked in the house and David was doing the dishes and I told him that was the sexiest thing i had ever seen
Jodi: its the truth!
Jennifer: I know
Jennifer: I meant it
Jodi: I would have too
Jodi: like to me its a turn on if he does shit for me
Jodi: to make my life easier
Jodi: that will make me wanna put out
Jodi: more then him dancing
Jodi: or sexting me
Jennifer: me too
Jennifer: let's face it, if I went home right now and my dishes were clean and the laundry was folded, I would feel a whole lot more like putting out than facing having to go home and do that stuff myself
Jodi: OH YES
Jodi: like I am not kidding
Jodi: when the maid is there
Jodi: I am always friskier
Jodi: like that day she cleans the entire house
Jodi: its like a housewife's aphrodisiac
Jennifer: oh, I know
Jennifer: when I used to have one
Jennifer: I would walk in and want to do her
Jennifer: and I don't even go that way
Jodi: LOLOL
Jodi: seriously though Kevin thinks Monday is GET LUCKY night
Jodi: and he has no idea why

So men... the thing to note here is that if you help your wife with the chores she will feel like she got lucky, which will help you get lucky.

Ladies, please feel free to forward on to the man in your life.

Both of you can thank us later.

Avatar

2010-01-12T07:42:00.000-08:00

Jennifer: have you heard that some people are depressed after seeing Avatar
Jennifer: I don't get it
Jennifer: why?
Jodi: lol
Jennifer: seriously
Jodi: movies don't usually depress me
Jennifer: Jon was telling me that yesterday, and I read it somewhere today
Jodi: it was a bit political for me
Jodi: I like to go to the movies to escape
Jodi: plus its been done
Jodi: he just did it in space
Jodi: I did love the movie
Jodi: but not for the MESSAGE
Jodi: I liked it for the graphics
Jodi: and how it LOOKED
Jennifer: right
Jodi: I know the message we were horrible to the Indians
Jodi: I got it
Jennifer: the plot sucked
Jodi: it was wrong
Jodi: we all know it was wrong
Jodi: but there aint much we can do about it
Jodi: at this point in history
Jennifer: well and the modern day message, quit fucking with the environment
Jodi:: I personally don't fuck with the environment
Jodi: I even dump out auto oil
Jodi: in huge cans
Jodi: that I have to pay to dispose of
Jodi: we have virtually no waste here
Jodi: we don't run the heater
Jodi: rarely run the ac
Jodi: etc
Jennifer: well i mean in a bigger sense, like stopping cutting down the rain forest and shit
Jodi Kris: LOL
Jennifer: Here is the link about the depression
Jennifer: those people need to get a life
Jodi: how can anyone feel sorry for things THAT DO NOT EXIST
Jodi: I completely pictures those things as American Indians
Jodi: cuz I totally think that was his intention
Jennifer: me too
Jennifer: and that was definitely one place i wouldn't want to live
Jodi: no shit
Jennifer: i would get eaten in about five minutes
Jodi: I didn't see a Target
Jodi: or a diet coke
Jennifer: no shit

At least we have our priorities.

A fashion don't, not that we are always a do.

2009-11-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week Jennifer had to attend a training. Thank God for Blackberry texting.

Jennifer: Is it possible to really be bored to tears
Jennifer: I'm at lunch now
Jennifer: This chick has an actual bow in her hair

Jodi: lol
Jodi: WAIT
Jodi: AN ADULT
Jodi: WITH A BOW
Jennifer: Like we would put in the girl's hair
Jodi: ARE YOU SERIOUS
Jennifer: Yeah
Jodi: okay
Jodi: that's just wrong
Jennifer: I think I stink
Jennifer: No one wants to sit with me
Jodi: no you don't
Jodi: you are too funny
Jodi: and will make them laugh out loud in class
Jodi: ya know so you fit in
Jennifer: I don't say anything
Jennifer: These people are weird
Jennifer: I don't fit in
Jennifer: I am in Austin
Jennifer: The liberal center of TX (even though Jennifer is like a hundred times more liberal than Jodi)
Jodi: Austin is nothing but queers (meant in the nicest way possible)
Jodi: my cousin is the leader of all gays
Jodi: and he is there
Jennifer: Please
Jennifer: It is not
Jennifer: It is nice (all real Texans must love Austin, it is in the code)
Jodi: my cousin told me
Jodi: he went there
Jodi: to be with his kind
Jodi: i was like what the hell are you talking about
Jennifer: The people that live here love it
Jodi: and then why not New Orleans?
Jennifer: Lol
Jennifer: The slogan is "keep Austin weird"
Jodi: You want me to over night you a rainbow shirt?
Jennifer: Because NO is a bunch of dirty gays
Jennifer: The ones here can fit in with normal society
Jodi: god we are both going to hell
Jodi: for this conversation
Jennifer: For most of our conversations actually
Jodi: Yeah I think we are but hey we will have each other
Jodi: and what the fuck is a dirty gay?
Jodi: i mean are they on the corners jacking off rubbing others
Jodi: i mean I am trying to get a mental picture of what you are saying
Jennifer: LoL
Jennifer: Stop it
Jennifer: Now I'm sitting by myself and laughing out loud
Jennifer: I look like the resident crazy
Jodi: LOL
Jodi: with flat hair (Jennifer forgot her hair gel AND her hair spray, it was tragic)
Jodi: and a major accent
Jodi: the snore bitch is NEVER gonna like you now
Jodi: i mean you are on her shitlist
Jennifer: Exactly
Jodi: its GREAT
Jennifer: I KNOW
Jodi: now you don't have to slap her
Jodi: cuz she is never gonna speak to you again (Jennifer was sharing a room with a coworker, she got up at one in the morning and booked herself another room, you can read more about that here)
Jennifer: I really am such a bitch
Jodi: no you are not
Jodi: well
Jodi: i am too
Jodi: so maybe I'm not the best judge
Jodi: ask someone nice
Jennifer: I couldn't help it
Jodi: do we know any nice people?
Jodi: I can't think of one
Jennifer: No
Jennifer: We don't
Jennifer: Maybe I should ask the girl with the bow
Jennifer: She looks nice
Jodi: yeah um it would come out: Whats with the bow?
Jodi: Like you wouldn't be able to stop yourself
Jodi: then you might say:
Jodi: do you have one of those weird TLC Discover health diseases
Jodi: and you are really young
Jodi: but look old?
Jennifer Williams: True
Jennifer: You are awful
Jodi: if not why the bow?
Jodi: Adult women should not wear bows
Jennifer: Idk
Jennifer: She probably thinks it is cute
Jennifer: Newsflash, grown women r not supposed to be cute
Jodi: That bitch Paula Deen just sent me another email
Jodi: its called
Jodi: My Delicious Life
Jodi: fuck you Paula
Jodi: and your huge container of lard and butter
Jodi: I got on some mailing list
Jodi: and its like showing me daily pictures of bacon
Jodi: and cheese
Jennifer: Lol
Jennifer: Stop
Jennifer: I'm going to fall out of my chair
Jennifer: Then people will think I'm drunk
Jennifer: I wish I was drunk

Jennifer survived the training and made it safely back home. And she also resisted the impulse to yank that bow off of that chicks head. All in all in was a good trip.

Give it a good blow

2009-08-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

Jodi Kris : i AM TIRED
Jodi Kris : and I have no idea
Jodi Kris : why
Jennifer : my mouse is acting crazy
Jennifer : and i have no idea why
Jodi Kris : CUZ YOUR work computer sucks ass (Jennifer has to deal with a lot of crashes... yes it is a PC)
Jennifer : i thikn it had some dirt in it or something
Jennifer : i took the batteries out, gave it a good blow and now it is working great
Jennifer : just like a man

Does he know who he's dealing with?

2009-06-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

Jennifer is hosting a party for her husband's fortieth birthday this weekend. She has invited all of his friends, coworkers, relatives, etc. Well.... all but one. The spouse of one of his coworkers made Jennifer uncomfortable at the company Christmas party by trying to follow Baby Girl off into the dark and constantly trying to get her to come around the side of the barn. She's not saying he is a pedophile, but she does not want this person around her kids or anyone else's. So that person is not invited. Jodi and Jennifer were discussing a recent conversation Jennifer had with David about the whole not being invited deal.

Jennifer: i got chocolate cake
Jennifer: and vanilla
Jennifer: and David told me that the woman at work that's married to the pedophile
Jennifer: was acting kind of sad yesterday when everyone was talking about the party
Jennifer: and i told him that i didn't care
Jennifer: she shouldn't have married a pedophile
Jennifer: and then i started thinking about what happened with Tina (David's sister) when i was pg
Jennifer: and he told her to come to the hospital
Jennifer: after i specifically said i didn't want her there
Jodi: oh oh
Jennifer: so i told him this morning
Jennifer: i don't care how sorry you feel for her
Jennifer: do not invite her
Jennifer: and he says
Jennifer: "oh, I'm not. if i was going to do that then i wouldn't have told you about it."
Jodi: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Jodi: oh no he did NIT
Jennifer: oh yes
Jennifer: he did
Jodi: you should have said
Jodi: then I shouldn't tell you
Jodi: I'm never screwing you again
Jennifer: the truth is that i would have made a huge freakin' scene about it
Jennifer: and i think that secretly he knows that
Jennifer: he just won't admit it
Jodi: oh me too
Jodi: I would be like OH how do you wanna see my kids naked now?
Jodi: or save that as the party game?

One would think that after almost 19 years of marriage David would know better.

The Key To A Big Promotion

2009-06-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

Jennifer: medicare fucking sucks
Jodi: LOL
Jennifer: i was NOT meant to work with the government
Jodi: my mom hates the govt. too
Jodi: she hates the state though
Jodi: worse then the feds
Jennifer: these people are a bunch of stupid fuckers
Jennifer: if she has been on SSI, social security income, her whole entire life
Jennifer: doesn't that mean she is signed up for social security
Jennifer: stupid fuckers

Later.....

Jennifer: i think my problem was so complicated they bumped me up the chain of dumbasses
Jennifer: until i got their leader
Jennifer: and she was actually pretty smart
Jodi: lol
Jodi: the leader of all dumbasses
Jennifer: hey, she was helpful
Jennifer: it isn't hard to be the leader when you work with a bunch of dumbasses

And know you know why we don't work with celebrities.

2009-06-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

Jodi: I have a question (about Brittney Spears)
Jodi: HOW can someone with SO MUCH money
Jodi: dress so badly
Jodi: I am just puzzled by her "targetish" wardrobe choices
Jodi: tube dresses
Jodi: ripped jeans
Jodi: and the like
Jodi: its like pretty woman in reverse
Jodi: she whores herself up every chance she gets
Jennifer: because she is white trash
Jodi: WELL DUH
Jodi: but hire people
Jodi: shit
Jennifer: yeah, but she thinks she looks good
Jennifer: she doesn't think it looks bad
Jennifer: and none of those people are going to tell her otherwise
Jennifer: she probably hires a lot of yes men
Jodi: yeah well I would only work for her for about 45 seconds
Jodi: cuz I would be like:
Jodi: Britney you look like a street walker
Jodi: missing her corner
Jodi: this has to stop

Maybe size does matter

2009-06-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

Background information: Jennifer received an email from a friend announcing her marriage. Since Jennifer didn't realize this.... festive occasion was coming quite so soon she was kind of in shock and turned to her friend Jodi to discuss the matter. Jodi has never met Jennifer's friend.

It should also be noted that Jennifer sincerely loves her friend and wants nothing more than for her to be happy. She is just concerned that this development happened a little quickly and doesn't want to see her friend get hurt (so friend if you are reading this, I'm sorry, I love you, just give me a little bit of time).

Next thing to note is that Jodi has a very dear African American friend that works for her and a lot of the "stereotypes" spoken about in the following dialogue came straight from him. We swear on our mothers that we are not racist.

Jennifer: one of my friends got secretly married last night
Jodi: WHAT
Jennifer: yeah
Jodi: WELL
Jennifer: and she married a black dude
Jennifer: not that i care about that
Jennifer: i wouldn't give a shit if he was purple
Jennifer: i just think she needed to take some time and wait (her divorce was just recently final)
Jodi: maybe this one will work
Jodi: once you go black you never go back
Jodi: he is probably putting it to her good
Jodi: bert would say
Jodi: she is dickmatized
Jodi: your friend is a size queen
Jodi: we know that much
Jodi: yeah God sent her a lot of men (some comments are based on a private email)
Jodi: and she rocked em all
Jodi: Im sorry
Jodi: im hysterical
Jennifer: and misty will tell her she did it because of that big ole black D
Jennifer: and tell her that's what she is really in love with
Jodi: what she felt was a huge orgasm
Jodi: it wasn't god
Jodi: Just FYI
Jodi: Maybe she said OH GOD OH LORD
Jodi: so she considers it a spiritual experience
Jodi: I mean Maybe I Have never had sex that fantastic before
Jodi: I just never got done doing it and said
Jodi: God spoke to me
Jodi: LOL
Jennifer: i just don't know how to respond to her
Jodi: I would respond
Jodi: Congratulations
Jodi: and thats it
Jodi: see here is my deal
Jodi: people like this
Jodi: will NOT just let you say
Jodi: Congratulations
Jodi: they want you to be all happy and gushy in their madness
Jennifer: i don't even want to say that
Jodi: they won't let you keep your mouth shut
Jennifer: maybe, I'm happy that you are happy
Jodi: NO
Jodi: cuz thats saying IM not happy
Jodi: lol
Jodi: just say
Jodi: congratulations
Jodi: Bert would LOVE this
Jodi: seriously
Jodi: he thinks white women are ALL about the big black dick
Jodi: and are dumb is hell about it
Jennifer: another friend said that her last husband apparently had a big D too
Jodi: LOL
Jodi: size queen
Jodi: maybe there is a correlation
Jodi: maybe all that semen rots the brain
Jodi: who knows
Jodi: i just wanna know
Jodi: why God never sent me a big dick
Jodi: cuz I mean I think I am a pretty good person
Jodi: don't I deserve at least a 12 incher
Jodi: all i got was average dick
Jodi: and thats just not right

Multiplication Problem

2009-06-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

Jodi: this is some weird shit (in reference to yesterday's post about David Carradine)

Jodi: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_asphyxiation
Jennifer: yeah
Jennifer: i told David about it last night
Jennifer: and he said, "i think I'll have to google that"
Jennifer: and I told him that there was no telling what he would find
Jennifer: lol
Jennifer: i have to clean my desk off every day
Jennifer: wth is up with that
Jodi: WHY DO YOU?
Jennifer: i don't know
Jennifer: it is like the papers do it over night and have paper babies
Jodi: The probably have paper asphyxiation sex
Jodi: on your desk
Jodi: They use paper clips for that
Jodi: LOLOLOLOL
Jodi: the really nasty ones staple each other
Jennifer: or use the rubber bands
Jennifer: Oh God, my poor Jesus fish....
Jennifer: I'll have to put him away tonight and cover my babies faces

Mayo Sucks

2009-06-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

Jodi and Jennifer have decided to give there blog a little bit different format. More along the lines of a "conversations with" type of thing. We hope you enjoy it..... and it should be noted that this took place over the span of about five minutes..... and please see the disclaimer at the bottom of the post.

Jodi: oh Obama hates Mayo
Jodi: so i found that in common with him
Jodi: i was kinda into that
Jennifer: lol
Jodi: he eats his burgers just like I eat mine
Jodi: even the jalapenos!
Jennifer: well there you go
Jennifer: y'all are more alike than you knew
Jodi Kris: and it really pissed me off that they wouldn't shake his hand today
Jodi Kris: really really pissed me off
Jodi Kris: i wanted him to turn and say
Jodi Kris: i'm gonna blow y'all the fuck up
Jodi Kris: we are over you people
Jennifer: i'm guessing that he had more couth than that
Jodi: well yeah
Jodi: but i bet he was thinking it
Jodi: cuz i think most of it all over them
Jodi: just sick of their bullshit
Jodi: and WARNING the US president what he "could say"
Jodi: fuck you ragheads***
Jodi: we are sick of all of your bullshit
Jodi: i mean seriously
Jodi: those people are just pushing their luck
Jodi: anyways...
Jodi: they are now saying David Carradine
Jodi: died in a freak sex accident
Jodi: HOW? !
Jodi: why!"!? !? !? !
Jodi: he had a rope around his neck and dick
Jodi: WTF? !? !
Jodi: Ms. PrettyEyes (Jodi's niece) stuck an earth worm in an ant pile
Jodi: and Princess was trying to "save it"
Jennifer: lol
Jennifer: you realize all of those topics are completely random
Jodi: yep
Jodi: completely
Jodi: mayo
Jodi: ragheads,
Jodi: dick death
Jodi: and now worms

*** Disclaimer: Jodi and Jennifer do not normally think of Muslim or Middle Eastern people in the term of "raghead," but the situation being discussed brought out our bad side. We apologize to anyone that may be offended.

Top Ten Thursday

2009-05-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

Top Ten ways our mothers are alike.

No. 10. They are both thinner than us..... and they seem to fix themselves up way nicer. We blame this on having small children around. We don't have time for makeup and matching jewelry. Don't make me dig up pics of my mom in 1979.... seriously she did NOT look as good as she does now! (We wonder if that means we will get better with age???)

No. 9. They both have more energy than we do. This is probably mostly related to No. 10.

No. 8. Both of our kids like them more than us. We believe this is because they don't do the dirty work we do. They just feed them whatever they want, buy them presents and play with them like nothing else is going on in the world! WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE HERE?!

No. 7. They both think they know best: enough said.

No. 6. They are both neater than us. Once again, they do not have two small children running around their houses making constant messes.

No. 5. They both think something is wrong with us. (see Jennifer's blog) ....maybe we are just two working mothers? We think they have they forgotten what is like. Where can we get a pair of those rose colored glasses?

No. 4. They both think that our children are in constant danger due to lack of supervision. One of them is going to drown or choke to death or run out into traffic..... you know because we are never watching them.

No. 3. They both expect us to have a healthy dinner on the table at 5:30 and all the laundry folded and put away. News flash - This ain't gonna happen.

No. 2. They both think we should put our lives on hold for our children like they did. Sorry Moms. It is a new day. Don't you know as the women of today we can have it all? Including the stress and anxiety of trying to make it all work.

And the No. 1 thing that our moms have in common -- They both love us more than anything else in the world. Kind of sappy, but true. Hey, it can't all be bad.

Little white lies...

2009-04-30T05:58:00.000-07:00

As told by Jodi:

All parents have different styles. Some parents (like me) like to ease their children into REAL life. Some parents (you know who you are) like to SLAM the harsh reality of real life in their children's face. The end result is the same. In the end the kid generally learns the "real deal" about things. How they get there is vastly different.

Jennifer and I handled the same scenario very differently recently. We both had dogs as pets that were just not working out. We realize that it could be considered irresponsible by some to get an animal and then get rid of it, but in our cases we thought it would be best for BOTH dogs to find them new homes that were better suited for their needs. If you look at it that way it was the TRULY unselfish thing to do (can you hear violins playing?). Yes we would benefit from not having to tolerate said dogs any longer but the dogs would have families that actually WANTED them and lavished attention on them that we unfortunately do not have time for.

So anywho about a year ago I found myself having to find my Teddy a new home. The Princess was 4, so old enough to notice her dog "brother" leaving. I had to come up with a plan. I went to my mother the GRAND CHAMPION of kid lying and she said: "tell her he went to dog college to get a degree". It sounded HILARIOUS! I mean WHO WOULD BELIEVE THIS?

I figured it wouldn't be terrible. No different then the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. Plus my mom was raised by my saint of a grandmother that raised eight kids and did a great job! So I did it. I told my child a little white lie. There were no tears and she seemed to think it made perfect sense. A few days later she asked if Teddy would come back. I said : "well NO.... College for dogs last for so long and then they get a job in the circus and travel." She accepted that too!

GLORY be! Not a tear in sight. Every once in a while she asks if I think he is okay and I always say YES he is very happy (cuz I know he is). I did end up telling her that he lives with another family who adores him while in school, which is pretty much the truth (if she asks to go to his graduation I am in BIG freaking trouble). I know eventually she and I will have a good laugh about it. Just like my mom and I did when I realized that she did NOT brave freezing rain to give my turtle Nosey a proper burial (she gave him a traditional viking funeral down the toliet). The lie wasn't meant to harm Princess. It was meant to ease her into the situation. Let it marinate a while without freaking her out. I think I did the right thing.

Jennifer faced with the same dilemma decides the best approach is HONESTY (either that or she wasn't really prepared to handle this and freaked out and told the truth). So she tells Baby Girl straight up that they have to give her dog away to a new family from Louisiana (great now Baby Girl will think my state stole her damn dog). I think in Jennifer's defense she did NOT think Baby Girl would flip out.

Well Baby Girl and Princess are a LOT a like. I could have told her that whether or not either of them gave a darn about the dogs they were still both going to do the 3rd act from the play "Carmen" (you know the one where she "dies" the entire scene). Our children both have a flair for dramatic. They are GOOD. They both should have Oscars LINING their shelves. I mean they are wonderful girls but they are just too smart for OUR own good sometimes.

Anywho, to say Baby Girl got upset would probably be the understatement of the universe. I wasn't there but I have a great imagination. In my case I fully admit that Princess probably gets her Drama Mama crown from me. Here is how I know Baby Girl gets it from Jennifer. Jennifer WHIPS out her camera and takes GOODBYE Pictures with the dog. Yes she really did. She took pictures of Baby Girl's dog freak out moments and then one last dramatic pose with the dog. Then she called Baby Girl's grandmother to pick her up so she wouldn't be there when the new owners came to pick the dog up.

I am not criticizing. EVERYONE does it different. In both cases the end result is the same. The dogs are in better homes and the girls will both get over it. Now the only thing I have to worry about is Baby Girl telling the Princess : "You know I don't think your dog is in college or working in the Circus...I think your mom gave him away!"...... If this happens I am sending Princess to live with Jennifer until she is over the news.....

**** To read Jennifer's account of the story visit her blog Momma Made It Look Easy.

The Second Big Weekend in April

2009-04-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

The Pageant from a Non-partial perspective (as told by Jodi)...

Baby Girl was going to be in a beauty pageant and Princess just had to be there. It worked out great because Bud's birthday was the next day so we would all be there for that also. I ended up bringing my entire family (minus the men) for the big occasions!

The weather was horrible. Thank goodness it didn't get really bad until WE WENT TO GO INSIDE THE PAGEANT! Yep that's right it was like Noah was rushing to build his arc about 10 minutes before the pageant. We all filed into the "STANDING ROOM ONLY CAFETERIA" for the big event. I asked a nice lady if I could have a chair her purse was on so at least we could take turns sitting with Little Man. You should know it was like 88 degrees in this place. They apparently had NO IDEA that the pageant, which was moved from outdoors, would be in this school because it was miserable hot,m but we were so filled with excitement we truly did not notice (for about 20 minutes).

The kids' groups were first and Baby Girl's was like the 4th group to go. It was really fun. All the kids were winners in my book... that is until it was Baby Girl's turn. We had made signs for her and were waiting for her to come out. When she came out I have to say I think I was more excited then her father. I was jumping up and down like a lunatic. I was holding up my sign as were Princess and her cousin. When Baby girl saw us her eyes lit up. She was so proud. She did a turn, she smiled, she waved... it was like she was BORN to do this! It was amazing. The crowds reaction (maybe it was just us not sure) seemed to echo what I thought! I knew she had it down. The rest of the kids were not half as good as she was. I am not just saying that. They were not. It's a fact! She was that good!

Since Jennifer was in the back and didn't actually see it... I told her that I was convinced Baby Girl had a good chance to win. Unfortunately Little Man threw a hissy fit so we had to go. Later I heard she won 1st runner up. I was pissed. I was stage friend mom! Something took over me. I was cursing! I could not believe that they gave the award to the kid with the fake hair/tan. She didn't have any spunk or sparkle at all! I was floored. WERE THEY BLIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WERE THEY DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And this is why...I can' t ever be allowed to participate in any activity where there is a "winner"... I am a terrible sport. I hope Jennifer let's me live vicariously through her again if Baby Girl does another pageant......

For Jennifer's story about the pageant, go here.

Top Ten Thursday

2009-04-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Things Our Husbands Did to Piss Us Off THIS Week

No. 10 - Kevin kept turning up the TV while Jodi was on the phone with her mom discussing work (Jodi's mom works for her). He could have gone and watched the TV in his man cave... or the bedroom... or the kitchen.... or the kid's playroom in peace and quiet, but no. He had to make a "point". Yeah. Point noted.

No. 9 - David told Jennifer to not "freak out too much" one morning. Guess who she freaked out on next?

No. 8 - Kevin suggested that Jodi stop calling the decorator before making decisions about the house and call him only. Because, you know, men are so concerned with what shade of towel to buy.

No. 7 - David played video games for two hours after promising to help out around the house and whenever Jennifer would ask when he would be done he kept saying, "just one more minute" or "let me finish this level" like he was a kid instead of a grownup. Jennifer is considering tossing the Xbox.

No. 6 - Kevin compared his massive collection of obsolete computer equipment to Jodi's doll collection. He has enough wires and shit in there to run NASA. Jodi is pretty sure she saw a Commodore 64 sitting on a shelf.

No. 5 - David asked Jennifer to wait and take a shower later when he woke up late, which would have made Jennifer late to work, but he still would have been on time (you can read more about that here). Obviously she told him HELL NO!

No. 4 - Kevin started a sentence with "You know I don't mind babysitting..." Neither one of us is sure why it is "babysitting" when the daddy does it, but "mothering" when the momma does it. We are both kind of pissed about this one.

No. 3 - That our husband's hold us personally accountable for things we have no control over. Like when the mortgage company pays for insurance we have cancelled or the contractor won't show up to finish the remodel job even though he has been called every single freakin' day. But of course David and Kevin never offer to take over any of these responsibilities. Way easier to bitch at us.

No. 2 - Kevin got super pissed when Jodi tried to keep the family from getting salmonella by storing the boiled eggs in the refrigerator. Apparently the clerk at the 7/11 knows more about food safety than Jodi.

and the No. 1 thing that pissed us off this week...

David put garbage in the back of Jennifer's SUV for her to take to work. Oh yes he did. Her car had to be aired out, the kids almost puked on the way to daycare and she walked around smelling like eau du poopy diaper the rest of the day.

The joy of Easter, Part Two

2009-04-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Our Easter weekend started Thursday night with a trip to my father-in-law's house to visit with some out of town relatives that had come in on Tuesday. David's family is.... weird, for lack of a better word. His uncles from Louisiana tend to show up for visits unannounced and then stay on with his Dad for a few days.

This time Uncle Harry (David's youngest uncle) came with one of David's cousins, Gary, that I have never met. Some of you may think that is not unusual, but we have been together for over 20 years. I've met pretty much everyone, but not this guy. He has been living in Florida and recently, a couple of years ago, moved back to be closer to his parents.

Now I know that you are all thinking, "what's the deal? This isn't all that weird." Well I'm just laying the background for you.

So Thursday night we are scheduled to go to my FIL's. David calls and the relatives aren't there and my FIL has no idea where they are. OK. Whatever. So we take the kids and go to dinner and run a couple of errands and are getting ready to go home with David's phone rings. It is his dad and they are back. So now we have to go. And we do. We stayed and "visited" for about an hour and a half. I use that term loosely because I spent most of my time fighting Bud who wanted to get down and play, but my FIL's house isn't sanitary for a baby to crawl around on the floor. After fighting him for that long I was tired of it and ~~demanded~~ suggested that we leave.

I had overheard David talking to the relatives and telling them that we were off the next day and suggesting that they come over and go for a boat ride. I was fine with that. He hadn't seen them in a while and wanted to spend some time with them. Whatever. That was cool. So Friday morning rolls around, and then lunchtime, and then afternoon... Nothing. No calls. No nothing. So David calls his dad and apparently the relatives have disappeared again.

By this time I am tired of it. We had tons of stuff to do to prepare for Easter and the upcoming week (Bud's birthday party, etc.), and David had promised me that I could have the whole afternoon and the weekend and he would do whatever I needed him to do with no distractions. We go to Walmart to get some things and drop off the Baby Girl with my mom and return to a phone call from the relatives wondering where we are. It is after 6:00. We are home, winding down for the night. We have an almost one year old. Where do you think we are?

David calls and does the "sorry we missed you" thing and we are thinking it is over. Saturday morning comes and we get up and start doing things around the house. Cleaning, dusting, laundry, loading the dishwasher.... normal stuff. The phone rings and it is David's dad. He tells David that him and the relatives are coming over to go for a boat ride. WTF?! That deal was over. That was the day before. And then it happens, David said "OK." Needless to say I was not happy. He promised he would help me. I had tons of shit to do and I did not want to be entertaining people.

They show up right after lunchtime, but by now the weather is really sucky and drizzling on and off, but they stay and visit. I'm thinking this is it. No big deal. They will talk for a while, maybe eat dinner and then they will leave. The night goes on. David grills some burgers and it is getting later and later. Baby Girl keeps bothering me about dying the eggs, but I really wanted to wait until it was just family, but it is getting to late so I go ahead and boil the eggs and set everything up, and they continue to stay.

So we dye eggs with the relatives. And they still don't leave. So I give Baby Girl a bath and set her up with a movie in her room and about this time David comes to me and says, "I think they are staying the night." Excuse me. I don't really know these people. What do you mean they are staying the night? It is Easter. You've got to be kidding me.

Nope, not kidding. They stayed the night. Needless to say I moved Baby Girl to my room with her movie. We stayed in there and folded laundry the rest of the night. I was not happy and I did not want to be rude. Because let me tell you I was feeling all kinds of rude.

The next morning I get up with the baby for his bottle, finally get him back to sleep, set out the Easter baskets for the kids, and start hiding eggs. The weather was pretty yucky so I hid plastic eggs in the living room. All the while with a strange man snoring away on my couch.

The kids get up, open there baskets and Baby Girl starts "hunting" her eggs. All the while with a strange man snoring away on my couch.

They finally woke up, had some coffee and left. I was not happy. And I let David know that he owes me big time and that I do not expect this to ever happen again. I think he is in 100% agreement as he was pretty shocked by the whole deal as well.

Oh, and did I tell you, this was Bud's first Easter.

Good memories.

The joys of Easter, Part One

2009-04-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

Easter.... ah the joys of the Season.

Jodi's story:

In my ignorance I decided to take my kids to see the Easter bunny on Good Friday. You know the same day as everyone else in town that has a job and thus can't take their kids during the week unless its a holiday. So I had a good plan. I would get the kids up and dressed and be at the mall at a little before 10 to beat the rush when the mall opened.

IT WAS A GOOD PLAN! I know this because everyone else had the exact same plan. I park and rush both the kids by myself to the bunny. The line doesn't look so bad... and that's when I notice i am at the FRONT of the line. I am not making this up. It was just like in the movie A Christmas Story. The employee was like "UM lady you need to go to the back of the line," which was wrapped way around the corner.

So we hike to the end of the line. And I know that a man (as in someone that doesn't shop at the mall) must have designed this place because even on a cool day it is hot as hell in there. The place is solid windows and they radiate heat. Pretty from the outside, but intolerable while waiting in a mile long line to see the Easter Bunny for 5.2 seconds, but I wasn't concerned, and besides this is what a "good" mother does. She takes her children to see the Easter Bunny and gets a photo to commemorate the event. Besides, it couldn't take that long... and then I noticed it... THE EASTER BUNNY WASN'T THERE. He was a late.

How late you ask? Thirty minutes late! So all these parents and surly, dressed up children were waiting. As time wore on so did my kids' patience. Little Man resorted to screaming like a banshee while sweating profusely and the Princess just ran around in her white dress RUBBING it on the floor. Little Man would not stop until I picked him up and held him. Both of us were sweating while he struggled to get down in my arms.

TWO HOURS and buckets of sweat later it was almost our turn. I sat and watched while some asshole parents held up the line trying to get the "perfect shot" of a 2 month old. HELLO! It's a 2 month old! Other parents held up the line by brushing their kids hair and then going through with a fine tooth comb their "proofs" of pictures ya know to pick out the perfect shot. Not me. When It was our turn one shot and we were out of their. The rest of the line clapped! I got an awful picture of my kids for posterity, but I was a GOOD MOM!

Top 10 Thursday

2009-04-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

And it is time for another installment of Top 10 Thursday. This week's addition is

Top Ten Annoying Things Heard or Said When We Get Home

No. 10. "Leave your brother alone!" This is usually heard while the sister is ~~annoying the hell out of~~ playing with the brother until the point he is screaming for mercy.

No. 9. "Do you smell poo?" Asked while the father denies any presence of poo essence in the air. And yeah, there is always poo.

No. 8. "Go to bed NOOOWWWWW!!!!!" screamed at the top of our lungs after Baby Girl or Princess has finally succeeded in driving us over the edge.

No. 7. "Where's the baby?" Asked right before the crash and cry of pain.

No. 6. "What's for dinner?" Which is followed with.....

No. 5. "No you can not have dessert until you have finished your dinner!" and/or "If you don't like it then you can just go to bed hungry!"

No. 4. "Weren't you watching him/her? How did they get into this/that?" Of course this is said to the dad when the mom reenters the room after cooking dinner, loading the dishwasher, putting on a load of laundry, getting clothes ready for school the next day, paying bills and mopping the kitchen floor.... all within the fifteen minutes before bath time.

No. 3. "Can I just have five minutes of silence?" to watch TV, talk on the phone, check my email, anything. Please, can we just have a little bit of peace and quite. The answer is normally no.

No. 2. "Lay down, go to sleep, and DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN!" Said every single night between the time we put the girls to bed and the time they end up crawling into bed with us.

and the No. 1 favorite thing said in our homes at night

"Not tonight, I have a headache..... Go ask Daddy to read you a story."

Gotcha!

Before we were moms

2009-04-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

We read this post at Scary Mommy today and thought we would join in the "before you were" fun......

1. Have sex where ever you want in your house, because after kids you are too tired to do it, and even if you have the energy you have to make sure your bedroom is in lock down mode before even attempting to get a little.

2. Enjoy alone time in the bathroom. Let's just leave it at that. After kids you are never alone in the bathroom again.

3. Read a book, and another, and another, and another. After kids we haven't had time to read an issue of Good Housekeeping, much less a novel.

4. Talk on the phone. Once the kiddos are here they are either interrupting, making insane amounts of noise or are getting into trouble.

5. Watch an adult movie at the theater. No silly, not those kind of movies (unless you really want to). We mean movies that do not contain cartoon characters, fluffy dogs or anyone named Hannah.

6. Take your time getting dressed. Focus on your hair, shave your legs, hell... even add some of those fake eyelashes if you want. Lord knows when you've got yourself, a preschooler and an infant to get dressed in the morning you are lucky if don't smell.

7. Enjoy walking across your living room. After kids you will either be stepping on something that makes noise or something that makes you need to set up an appointment with the podiatrist.

8. Go to grown up restaurants, like Chinese and sushi. Once the little one gets here it is all nuggets and pizza.

9. And when you do eat, enjoy the fact that whatever is on your plate is all yours. Kids love to "share", but only when it involves whatever you are eating or drinking.

10. Take your time in the grocery store. After kids you will either have them with you which means you have to rush to get them out before nap or lunch time, or you have left them home with the hubs, which is never, ever a good thing (envision goose eggs on the forehead, dirty diapers, and clothes that don't match.... shudder).

Go visity Scary Mommy and check out her list too.

Our First Big Weekend in April

2009-04-06T17:31:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning I woke up filled with anticipation mixed with the tiniest amount of dread. I was very excited because I knew that Jennifer and her family were coming to see us but I was slightly dreading the first birthday party extravaganza I had planned for Little Man. But I came to terms with the fact that I am only one human being and that I can only get so much done. Thank goodness Jennifer had already said for us to put them to work so I knew at least I could count on her and David to pitch in with me and Kevin. I also had agreed a MONTH in advance to go to a baby shower with my LBF (local best friend) for an old high school chum of ours. So there was a lot to get done, and not a lot of time to do it in.

It was Little Man's birthday this weekend and I decided that we would make the long drive to the other side of Louisiana to celebrate with Jodi's family. Saturday morning we got up at the crack of dawn (more like 7:00 something), got everyone washed up, packed the bags, loaded the car and set out. One dirty diaper, two whiny kids and just over three hours later they were there! Yay!

I managed to get out of the house without the kids, pick up the cake, pick up odds and ends for the party and get back and get dressed in time for the shower. In my mind I figured Jennifer and the crew wouldn't be arriving in town until around 5pm because how do I put this....Jennifer isn't usually as QUICK as me....but low and behold she pulled a fast one on me and got up way way early and was in Louisiana by 1:30! So since I had to go (kicking and screaming) to this shower we agreed to meet at my house after. Then *shudder* we would all go out to dinner. Princess and I were equally excited waiting for Jennifer and the fam. We both watched out the window and then before they drove up we moved to the driveway to wait. All the while Princess is repeatedly asking "where are they, where are they, where are they?!??!?!??!?" (yeah, good times)

To make things easier on Jodi I suggested going out to eat (mistake no. 1), Jodi agreed (mistake no. 2), and we took two four year olds that were incredibly excited to see each other out TO A RESTAURANT (mistake no. 3). So what did we do right? We set the kids at the end of the table with the daddies. We were hoping to disassociate ourselves. We're pretty sure it worked.... After dinner we all went back to Jodi's, the girls played, the hubs dozed and we talked until finally the exhaustion won out and me, David and the kids went back to the hotel for the night.

I do admit when I saw Jennifer I did cry a little. I just felt so happy to see her and the family face to face I was thrilled! We all were hungry so we got back in the cars and went to a local seafood haunt. We figured it would be "easier" to go out....*cough choke sputter*.... anywho we all went in and were seated immediately! Imagine our luck! in the biggest table in the center of the joint! You know where EVERYONE in there can see us and our super well behaved children. So we all order and the kids are just being themselves you know screaming running around the table throwing food to the floor... just your average American kids. Bud and the Little Man are actually better behaved then the girls. Jennifer suggested we pay for a few couples meals that were sitting around us as there was NO WAY they were enjoying them with our kids screaming in their ears, but he that's the breaks! The Little Man managed to dump an entire container of cocktail sauce in his mouth and on his lap while his FATHER was watching him. I had to fight the urge to call Kevin a name because I didn't want Jennifer and David to see that! But the look I gave him said it all! On the upside the meal was good and the kids didn't make the mess at my house which worked for me!

We all go back to my house and I tell Kevin "hey honey you need to tell David what time to be here to help us." David looks confused. That is when I realized that Jennifer may have not actually come out and told David that he is going to be helping. David is a super good sport (I could never have gotten away with this with Kevin)... so he is like "what time? no problem (I did see him sort of give Jennifer a slight look)". Then we say about nine and he is like "in the morning?" So Kevin says okay more like 10 and he seems okay with that. So we part ways and agree to meet in the morning.

The next morning I wake up and let everyone sleep as long as possible so I don't have to listen to the whining. I could not believe that Bud slept all night in his little hotel pack-n-play. I was so happy. After everyone woke up, I started getting everyone dressed while David drank his coffee and watched the History channel (enough about that). We repacked and reloaded the car and headed back over to Jodi's with our assignments for the day. Eat lots of crawfish, have fun, and don't talk about the blog to any of Jodi's family. LOL

Sunday morning we get up at like 5:45. I bathe and get completely dressed and then wake the kids and feed them and bathe them also. Kevin and I bring both the kids to my mom so he and I can help dad take the tables out of his truck and my mom can watch the kids so I can run around getting things. Jennifer and her crew show up at 10am and we all run around getting stuff and then go to my parents house to wait for the party. Jennifer and I "sampled" the food and talked and had a great time with her getting to know my family. The most important thing you need to know here is that my family MANAGED NOT TO EMBARRASS ME! My family is big. Really big! We are like that family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding but with a Cajun flare. My mom is one of eight. She has 5 brothers and 2 sisters. We can't really technically have a small party. Jennifer I don't think really got that until she saw the party. Almost everyone there was a relative. Having a rather large family has its upside and its downside. The upside is they love you and attend everything. The downside is THEY ATTEND EVERYTHING and that's a lot of people!

The party was wonderful! Everything turned out great. The food was good, the cake was beautiful, everyone had a great time. It was the perfect party to celebrate Little Man's first year.

Anywho my mom loved all the Texans and a good time was had by all! So the birthday party that ate New York was a hit! It was fun and it was just enough for my huge family. I can't wait until we head to Jennifer's town in a few weeks! It will be the first time we go to them so it will be exciting for me! I can't wait to see all the people I hear about and see how small her town really is (they think I don't get it) and to wish Bud face to face a happy birthday!!!!!!!!

We finally had to leave (even though we didn't want to) and head back to Texas. It was a long, whiny drive, but we got safely home and that is what is important. Now everyone is looking forward to the second big weekend in April when Bud has his first birthday and Jodi's family comes to Texas. Woohoo!!! We can't wait.

It sucks when Jennifer is not at work.

2009-04-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

Jennifer had to be away from the office this morning (which Jodi hates) so she thought she would bless y'all with a second top 10 list for the day.

Top ten reasons Jenn can't miss work:

10. I have no one to bitch about my husband too...thus causing me to have marital problems because I have to vent on HIM when I get home...I could get a divorce!

9. If I eat something healthy I can't brag and vice versa if I eat something really bad I can't say nah nah nee boo boo I just ate some french fries and you didn't and then feel bad about eating said french fries... so she is blowing my diet by not being at work...

8. Because Diet coke only solves so many issues.....I need her to help me with my other issues....or I will probably end up in some facility..so her missing work is affecting my mental health..

7. If I want to kill someone no one is here to stop me....so I COULD END UP IN JAIL PEOPLE!!! This is serious!!!

6. Thanks to Gymboree she needs the money......

5. We are both more productive if we can bounce work ideas off each other during the day (um yeah sure)....

4. She needs to be able to CURSE TO ME about work issues so that she doesn't go nuts and end up on the news.....and then instead of saying "going postal" the public at large will end up saying "going Jennifer"....my FRIEND could end up in jail!

3. We both need to be able to tell each other daily "You are a good mom and just cuz your kid says curse words at school and gets in trouble ...that doesn't mean ANYTHING"....so we both need the moral support because our kids are so "spirited" "feisty" or just plain "bratty".....

2. If something really good or really bad happens to me...who do I tell? I mean I can call my husband but he just says "that's good honey" where as Jennifer really is happy for me....so again if I call HIM and not her...he will tick me off and I will be in a bad mood the rest of the day....

and the number one reason Jennifer can't miss work....

1. I will have no excuse to procrastinate at work....

Top 10 Thursday

2009-04-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

Since we seem to love lists so much we thought we would make it a regular thing. Our list for this week is.....

TOP TEN WAYS WE SUCK AS PARENTS, ACCORDING TO OUR MOTHERS

No. 10 - "Did you feed this child today?" Of course not. Everyone knows that nobody likes a fat kid. We thought we would teach them how to do the starvation diet at an early age.

No. 9 - "I think this baby has a fever/is sick." OR "Did you know this baby has a fever/is sick?" Because obviously we are not as in tune with our children as they are and we have absolutely no idea when they are sick. We're not sure how any of them have survived as long as they have to be honest with you.

No. 8 - "Why does the baby only vomit at your house?" Probably because we give him spoiled milk and rotten meat. Cleaning up puke is so much fun we try to devise ways to ensure it happens more often.

No. 7 - "I don't know where this child learned this language..... she must be picking it up at home." Probably. Wonder where we picked it up.

No. 6 - "Do you just let her watch TV all the time? You really should get off the computer and pay more attention to her." Yeah, We're going to jump right on that one. Seriously, the fact that they sleep with us and are attached at our hips except for when we are at work definitely shows that they aren't getting enough attention.

And speaking of that, No. 5 - "When are you going to make this kid sleep in her own bed?" Right about the time they leave us the hell alone in the middle of the night. In our bed she sleeps all night, in her bed she calls out to us all night. Oh yeah, that's a toss up right there.

No. 4 - "When is this child going to use the potty? You were trained at 18 months." No. YOU were trained when we were 18 months. She'll go when she's ready.

No. 3 - "These kids are too spoiled." Probably because we're on the computer all the time and never pay any attention to them. And we're sure it has absolutely nothing to do with all the crap you buy them.

No. 2 - "That's just part of being a mother...." Well I really wish you would have shared that when you were begging for grandchildren.
And the No. 1 way our mothers let us know we suck:

"I don't know what you are talking about; they never act like that at my house." Well then I guess I just made up all that shit I was asking for your advice on.

What kind of friend are you?

2009-03-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

As this is a blog prepared by two friends, we thought we would share the Top Ten Types of Friends (are you getting tired of our lists yet).

1. The TRUE FRIEND (also known as the "help you bury a body" friend): This is the friend that knows all your dirty secrets, and is a big part of some of them. This person knows everything about you, and we do mean everything. You could have met her in elementary school, high school, college or at work. She is actually closer than a sister because you don't have all that weird sibling rivalry stuff going on. This is the person that you can call no matter the time, day or night, and no matter how long it has been since you've talked, and this person will be there for you. She knows all your deep dark secrets and likes you anyway. The only downside to this friend is that if you ever piss her off you are in big trouble... like you might have to pay her off trouble... The upside is generally you have enough "dirt" on her to keep that from ever happening. In other words, you are bound for life.

2. The SURFACE FRIEND: this is the friend that you only tell certain things too, like what you are fixing for dinner and how you felt about last night's episode of The Real Housewives. They can't handle hearing the deep stuff. When you try to tell them something personal they just kind of half listen. The main reason is because this person is really just into themselves. As long as you keep the topic on her or on something lighthearted then she's cool. The good thing about this friend is that she is so superficial you don't really have to think when you talk to her.

3. The JUDGEMENTAL FRIEND: This friend is always there when you need a good swift kick in the ass. She lures you in by making you think that she understands... and then she pounces. Why does she do this? Well how else is she going to make herself feel better about her horrible life. Well, by belittling you of course.

4. The OCCASION FRIEND: This is the friend that you only see at major occasions like baby showers, pampered chef parties and weddings. This is the girl that is always ready to party. She is also normally your friend that is out of work and/or down on her luck. Why else do you think she enjoys these types of events? The free food of course. The good part though is that you don't really care that she always brings a crappy gift because she is just so much fun.

5. The OLD FRIEND: This is the friend you have known for so long that they can tell really embarrassing stories about you to your husband and anyone else that cares to listen. These kind of friends make you feel young again. The downside, you don't get to see them that often because life has kind of pulled you in two different directions.

6. The EXPERT FRIEND: I bet you already know what this one is like. She is the one that knows everything about.... well, about everything. She is a huge pain in the ass, but for some reason you like her anyway. Either because you know you can call her at 9:00 on a Saturday night when your kid is running a 103.5 and she will have a reassuring answer about what is wrong or maybe because you know how they are and you know what to expect from her. It doesn't even bother you anymore because you enjoy this small amount of predictability in your life.

7. The BRAGGER/LIAR FRIEND: This is probably your most annoying friend. Her kids are the cutest, her husband makes more money than yours, she knows Shaqueal O'neal (yeah right) and does everything the best. If your kid gets an A, her kid gets an A+++. The weird thing about this girl is that the reverse is true too. If you banged her toe, she broke her foot. For some reason this chic just likes to brag (lie). The good thing about this type of friend is they are predictable. One up manship is their thing so just let 'em (her real life sucks anyway, this is all she's got)! Don't even try to compete, don't even tell her your news... she is just gonna make up something to beat you anyway!

8. The GAY GUY FRIEND: The best thing about this friend is that he can give you clothing and hair advice plus tell you honestly if your butt looks big and for some reason since he is gay you take it more seriously. The problem, not all people can hack this kind of friend (send him our way if you can't, we love a good gay friend).

9. The FRIEND YOU DON'T LIKE: We know that sounds weird, but it is true. We all have that friend that we can't stand, but for some reason we just can't get away from her. You can ignore her, you can never invite her anywhere, you can not return her calls or emails.... doesn't matter. She'll show up on your doorstep on a Sunday afternoon with a bottle of wine and your favorite movie on DVD. If you really want to get rid of her you are just going to have to tell her... PLEASE NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. Avoidance will not work.

10. The INTERNET FRIEND: This type of friend hasn't been around for long (so your parent's think you are crazy when you talk about her). Chances are you never have met this person in real life but strangely you are closer to her than the people you see every day. The bonds you form (over procrastination) are just as real as those with the people you see all the time. Plus you probably feel closer to this friend because you spend more time with her than any of your other friends. The downside... how can you be 100% sure she is who she says she is until you meet her?

So, what kind of friend are you?

So you wanna lose weight....

2009-03-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

We could probably be considered diet professionals. We're pretty sure that together we have been on every diet plan in the continental US, Hawaii, and a couple from Guatemala that probably weren't legal. Together we've lost at least a thousand pounds (too bad it keeps finding its way back to our ass).

Because of our helpful and generous nature we thought we would provide a run down of the top ten diets we have tried for your reference (just in case you are thinking of dropping a few):

1. Nutrisystem: We both have tried this one at least twice, the old version and the new version. The main difference between the two is that new version is based on the glycemic index and is lower in carbs. The similarity, both were nasty! The food tastes bad and looks even worse thus causing you to lose weight. The problem is that most people can only manage to stick it our for a couple of weeks (Jennifer only lasted three days).

2. The low fat diet, more commonly known as Stop the Insanity (the woman WAS insane hence the title of this diet): The basic premise of this diet was that you could eat as much as you wanted as long as it was low in fat. For example, a bag of potatoes as opposed to a bag of potatoe chips. The problem, it didn't take into account that fat actually comes from ingesting too many calories and not getting off of your lazy ass. We never made it to the end of this one but we are pretty sure the last step was a crew cut and bleach job...

3. The liquid diet: This one comes in a variety of guises. The main two we have tried are Slim Fast (who hasn't) and Medifast. The idea here is that if you don't anything you'll lose weight (no shit). The downside... if you don't eat you fucking starve and can't stick with it. This diet is usually combined with no 9.

4. Jenny Craig: The upside, all your food is preplanned and premeasured and you don't even have to think about what you are going to eat (which makes it perfect for a robot). The downside, most people have to take out a loan to be able to afford this one .....or become famous get fat and then they give it to you free.

5. Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal: This plan was based on eating the correct amount of servings of all food categories during the day. Once a food serving was eaten you took the card from one side and placed it on the other. Sounds smart and easy, right? The problem was when you had used all your cards by 10 am and ended up eating brownies the rest of the day. Plus it was kind of hard to understand, it required a lot of shuffling, and you had to trust this dude:

Yeah, we weren't really feeling it either.

6. Atkins: Hasn't everyone tried this one? The basics.... eat all the meat, eggs, cheese and mayo you want, but don't let any bread, pasta, rice or potatoes cross your lips. This one worked great after trying no 2 when we just wanted some bacon, a nice steak and some pork rinds all covered in fried eggs and cheese. The main problem with this one, bread is freakin' delicious and the less you eat of it, the more you want it. Jodi's husband actually caught her licking the TV when a wonder bread commercial came on. The second problem... fertility. Jennifer got knocked up the first time after being on Atkins. So just be careful if you give it a try and are not wanting to be in the "family" way.

7. The (insert name of food) diet: This is the one where you can eat all the cabbage soup you want (and get the gas that goes along with it) or all the grapefruit you want (and the yeast infection that goes along with it) or the..... whatever. There are tons of these out there. None of them work because they are impossible to stick with and they all have some very unpleasant side effect. Our advice, skip them.

8. Weight Watchers: This one is actually pretty good if you have any will power at all. They have different options to choose from, it is based on sound nutrition and has a built in support group. As a matter of fact, the bonus of this plan is you get to sit in a group with other fatties and talk about your fat.... and then you all go out for dinner.

9. The Pills: OK, these actually work (until your body gets used to them and you have to up the dosage)... as long as you don't mind the possibility of a heart attack from them. But hey, the upside is that your corpse will be 10 pounds lighter.

10. The Master Cleanse: On this plan you get to drink all of the "lemonade" ~~you can stomach~~, but you don't get to actually eat anything. But that's OK because the "lemonade" provides all the nutrition you need... Right. That's what we thought too. And don't forget the part of the plan that is in the fine, fine print... YOU SHIT YOUR BRAINS OUT!!!!!!! Yep, that's right folks, you get to starve and be massively dehydrated. How's that for a weight loss plan? And when you are done you are guaranteed to put all the weight back on the minute you drink a glass of water!

So there it is folks. The TOP TEN diet plans tried by Jodi and Jennifer. We hope that you found it informative (and entertaining).

The Love of Our Lives

2009-03-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

We have sort of an unhealthy ~~obsession~~ love affair with Diet Coke. So we have put together the Top Ten Reasons Diet Coke is better than a husband.

No. 10 - Diet Coke doesn't ask what's for dinner.

No. 9 - Diet Coke doesn't pretend it can't smell baby poo right in its face to get out of chaning a diaper!

No. 8 - Diet Coke doesn't tempt us to eat more just because it has a faster metabolism.

No. 7 - Diet Coke doesn't wake us up in the middle of the night for some midnight lovin' when the kids have finally gone to sleep.

No. 6 - Diet Coke doesn't watch football all weekend.

No. 5 - Diet Coke doesn't spend thousands of dollars on "toys" like boats, RV's and tools just so they can sit in the garage (God forbid you ask a husband to actually DO something with some of that stuff, it might take that "just out of the box shine" off it.)

No. 4 - Diet Coke doesn't care if we drop a couple hundred bucks at Gymboree on clothes for our kids.

No. 3 - Diet Coke doesn't have to be coerced into getting a vasectomy.

No. 2 - Diet Coke doesn't have a mother.

And the No. 1 reason Diet Coke is better than a husband....

Diet coke never disappoints. It is satisfies EVERY TIME!

My husband is handier than your husband....

2009-03-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

Jodi and Jennifer are married to two completely different men. Kevin, Jodi's husband, is a computer programmer. David, Jennifer's husband, is an electrician.

Computer Programmer = Not so handy around the house.
Electrician = Super handy around the house.

Not to knock Kevin. He's great to have around if you are setting up a home office or want your computer programmed (can you tell we don't really know what Kevin actually does).
This brings us to the tale of two remodels.....

Jodi and Kevin decided to buy a new home to be closer to her parents (and their old home was butt ugly, picture purple marble for the toilets). They found a great house in the perfect location with only one problem... Jodi thought it needed to be updated. A LOT. Kevin did not.

After some persuasion he decided to see things Jodi's way and told her to go ahead, but that the "updates" needed to be finished in TWO WEEKS so that they could move. Here comes one of the problems with not being handy, NO WAY can you do a complete remodel in two weeks. Ok, maybe not complete. We are just talking new ceilings, walls, floors and bathrooms.....

Let's check in on Jennifer and David. After Baby Girl was born they decided to move back home to be closer to family as well. Jennifer found the perfect house in a wonderful neighborhood. She brings David to check it out, but let's say that he is not as.... enthused as Jennifer.

After some persuasion he decided to see things Jennifer's way, but told her that a serious remodel would have to be done before they could move. Here comes one of the advantages of being handy, he tells Jennifer that it will be at least a couple of MONTHS before they can move in. It is a lot of work to paint an entire house, replace all the flooring, install all new lighting, etc.

Back to Jodi and Kevin. Jodi proceeds to hire an interior decorator and a contractor to do the work and the renovations start. From day one there are problems. The contractor doesn't show up on time (or sometimes AT ALL). The job is rushed and the end result isn't exactly as Jodi had intended, but they have to leave their old house so they go ahead and move in.

The day they move in the washer and dryer are delivered and installed. After a long day of unpacking, Jodi goes to take a shower and finds water in the hall... gushing. She of course is freaked, but with an unhandy husband she has to call an expert out to determine what the problem is. The installers did not connect the washer to the water line properly, resulting in the great flood of 2007. Another thing handy husbands are good at, verifying appliances are properly installed. Luckily the problem gets corrected by a 24 hour plumber. And the upside, Jodi gets all new wood floors in the back half of her house from the appliance company.

Amazingly enough something similar is happening at Jennifer's. She walks in the laundry room to find water everywhere. Well actually soaked into all the clothes she had laying next to the washer (thank God for laziness). She yells, "DAAAVVVVVIIIIIDDDDD!!!!" He comes to check things out, takes a look and says, "hmmmm, looks like the pump broke on the washing machine. I'll go get that part tomorrow and fix it for you." And he does. Downside to the handy husband, no new washing machine.

The bottom line is this, if you have a handy husband go ahead and buy that fixer upper, but if you don't, for the love of God, buy a new house that won't need work until you are ready to move to your next new house.

Jodi is hoping that if Kevin hangs out with David long enough some of the handy will rub off on him. Jennifer is just happy that she was smart enough to find a husband that is handy.

The why behind our relationship

2009-03-19T07:38:00.000-07:00

We have decided to write this blog to share with you our vast knowledge and expertise on parenting and motherhood.

Actually, we are writing this to have someone to laugh with us (with us people, not at us), and to document the reason for our senility when we are no longer able to remember it.

As a way to introduce ourselves we thought we would share some of the reasons we are friends (besides us just being awesome). Here goes.

1. We both think that Diet Coke should be reclassified as water. Because that is the only way either of us is going to get our average daily intake.

2. We are able to discuss our differing views on the important things in life (like Tex Joy vs Tony's, which is better) and still remain friends (and for those of you that don't know what Tex Joy and/or Tony's is.... HA-HA!!! Just kidding, it's spices silly).

3. We both think eating is a form of entertainment. "So, what do you do for fun?" "I eat, how 'bout you?"

4. We both understand that sarcasm is a skill that you are born with. It is not something that can be learned.

5. We both have unreasonable fears that something horrible is going to happen to our children. Jodi has the pediatrician check her child for cancer every time she gets a bruise. Jennifer doesn't want to take her children on a cruise because they might fall off the boat.

6. We both love bacon.

7. We both sometimes hate our husbands even though we love them.

8. We both live vicariously through our children. "But Momma I don't like to take dance." "I know baby, now get out there and do a pas de bourree for mommy."

9. We both assuage our "mommy guilt" by spending tons of money our kids. Combined they have more shit than a Toy R Us.

10. We both wanted to grow up to be Cinderella but so far all we've got down is the "cinder" part, and the only thing turning into pumpkins are our asses.

11. We are both waiting for the other one to go off the deep end first. Of course that one will pull the other one down with her.

12. We both understand that everyone else we know is sick of listening to us bitch. We're not sure why though because we hardly ever do that....

13. We both love Gymboree. Each of our kids wardrobes cost more than ours combined.

14. We both know that even though we really mean it when we say we are definitely 100% starting that diet tomorrow that we don't really mean it, but we pretend like we do anyway.

15. We both understand that we have the best, worst life ever.